hi ! so from 2020 to 2023 i used to roll not more than once a month ; i did several breaks (3, 6 and 10 months) from when i started my drug use, i'm not sure tho lol, i was able to stop for multiple months without any problems, and i didn't have any or very few cravings. it was the first drug i've ever used i only smoked weed besides, around 5 joints a day but my drug use wasn't handicaping to extent that i wasn't too deep into it, only started few months ago, and it didn't have much consequences in my life.

my rolling sessions were amazing, all super powerful, i spent the best times of my life. i instantly fell in love with mdma, it was a perfect match to me ; everything was so perfect, it humbled my insecurities. i wasn't feeling good for a long time and for once in my life i was finally feeling alive and experiencing true happiness. as if someone designed it only for me. after each trip, i would feel super satisfied and fulfilled, even disgusted as if i've eaten a big big big piece of a delicious cake, didn't want to hear about drugs until the next months/sessions lol. was amazing because as i previously said i could quit for long periods without any complications, i was super pleased.

so for three years i rolled approximatively every couple months, giving myself some kind of a little treat sesh to feel relieved after going through hard shit ; it made me kept going, i don't know what i would have done without those little happiness shots. it made me feel so good with my depression, i was allowing myself and rewarding myself with true happiness for few hours. i never felt the need nor the urge to do another drug, i was perfectly fine with mdma every few months, i never had any cravings for other drugs, and besides weed, i rarely drink alcohol but it was pretty much everything i've done.

so as i previously implied i suffered from a depression, i still do, i suffer from borderline personality disorder on the bipolar spectrum and also epileptic my mental health kept deteriorating, it was getting worse throughout the years so i started caring about my mental health around mid 2023 due to a suicidal attempt and finally started seeking therapy ; so i started taking a bunch of meds.

i started taking prozac, the very first antidepressant i'd ever taken in my life. an SSRI. i'd been warned that i wouldn't be able to take any more mdma that day, but i was too far gone to refuse treatment, i really needed help. months later, i felt better, but the effects didn't last, and for the first time in 3 years, i began to feel the lack of mdma; i really needed those moments of euphoria when nothing else existed. i needed them to cope.

i started looking for a substitute for mdma, a drug that i could take with my meds and that would give me similar effects. i'd given up weed completely; i'd tried ketamine but didn't like it. i just wanted to feel something, so i made the mistake of turning to cocaine because i felt like this was the only option i had left ; amphetamines made me psychotic so yeah. From the little experience (well i thought i knew shit about drugs but guess no lol) I'd gained with mdma and the ease with which I'd been able to quit for several months, I told myself that I was going to manage to control my consumption and that it wasn't going to be so hard and i'd feel content and everything will be fine. BIG MISTAKE

I've never been so addicted in my life, and the worst thing is that this drug doesn't give me a third of what mdma used to make me feel; but I'm stuck in a spiral, I do it again, in astronomical quantities, and I'm always disappointed; I've accepted the idea that I'll never be satisfied and always frustrated. it literally drives me insane and i'm so lost.

for 3 years i used drugs once every few months, a drug that made me feel full for months, and i smoked a few joints but that was all. in the space of a few months i turned into a coke monster, i tried rehab, psych ward, i always fall back into it. i used to be a student and had to drop out of university.

i need to get away from this hell, i'd so much like to get back to the way i was before, when i only took mdma, my life was so much healthier; but i can't stop the antidepressants, tried to quit cold turkey for more than a month, rolled, felt nothing and ended up in a very big suicidal crisis in the psychiatric emergency room. it took me months to recover psychologically.

i'm sharing my experience with you because i can't go on like this. i need to find a treatment that could help me with my psychiatric problems AND allow me to take mdma. this would be the only solution to get me out of this hell.

i had an appointment with an addictologist once and it didn't really help me, i plan to meet a new one, so if you have any treatment ideas that could work or advices let me know.

take care xx