I had been incredibly stressed out, depressed and lost for weeks and weeks and weeks, months even. Since MDMA is infamous for the harsh comedown i was worried i’d get twice as fucked up afterwards, but i took the risk and i’m so confused by how amazing i feel.

Before taking MDMA, everyday life seemed awful. I hated the idea of going to work every day for the rest of your life, like being a proper responsible adult that has to spend half their life working a job you may not even like, just to get by. I’m too greedy for that, i want something fun, and i was literally panicking because i was/am afraid i’ll never have that kind of future, where i’m just fuckin satisfied and genuinely happy.

I visited a friend, went into the city, bought my favorite snacks, watched my comfort shows etc. Nothing worked, i just felt either numb, sad or angry, and like my body was in distress all the time, restlessness.

Before i popped the pill, i cleaned my room properly. Vacuumed, dusted off, changed sheets, organized, all that shit. Then i took a hot shower, changed into new comfy clothes, ate my dinner in the living room with my mom. We were watchin some show. When i finished, it was around eleven or something. Grabbed a huge glass of juice, a waterbottle with cold water and a giant cup of chamomile tea with a teaspoon of honey.

I just laid down in bed and watched a show as i waited for it to kick in, which it did some forty minutes later. Like someone flipped a switch. The first couple moments were the best. I was completely stunned. Stood up from my bed and looked around in my room. The visuals reminded me of LSD but more ecstatic?? Although i felt much safer and more cozy and warm on MDMA. Snuggly.

Today when i woke up, def sleep deprived. Felt a little shitty but mainly like a little child after crying their eyes out and getting comforted by their parent. Like i had gotten a huuge hug the night before. I’m at work now (there is a lot of waiting around n i’ve got time off) and i feel completely at peace with things.

I know some say that peaceful/euphoric feeling is gonna wear off in a few days or weeks, but i really want to properly learn how to reach this level of satisfaction naturally. To be this at peace with everything in life, to feel okay. Man. I needed that trip.