On the weekend, I rolled for the first time in 10 years and it's affected me WAY more than I thought it would. In a good way. I want to share the experience and my feelings. Even if nobody at all reads it, I feel like I need to purge it out to fully process it.

I've done molly before, and I've been to raves before. But both very rare and somehow I never did both at once until a couple days ago. First of all, WOW. It exceeded every expectation I ever could have dreamed of. The couple times I did molly a long time ago, it was either at a rock concert (THAT was my peak high up until then, absolutely amazing) or just to go to a normal party but it had been 10 years give or take. In recent years I've done shrooms a handful of times with these same friends and had an amazing time each time.

I've always dreaded going to clubs and dancing, in fact I went to one a few weeks ago and only had a couple beers and I really couldn't stand being there more than a couple hours with some friends. It felt like a job to keep myself dancing but I forced it since my friend was having a good time; I couldn't wait to go home and go to bed.

Now this weekend my friend who's into the EDM scene invited us to a warehouse rave which is kinda a new experience for me. I've been to festivals where there was EDM featured there but never to a dedicated rave. He told me with the molly to expect that we'd be dancing til 6am and I actually just laughed because of how ridiculous that sounded. I figured I'd get tired and catch an Uber home by like 2 latest. Boy was I wrong.

We took it at around 10:30 and got to the rave by 11. I started dancing with my friends a bit but of course I felt very forced and awkward but I was really excited and couldn't wait for the drugs to kick in since I honestly didn't even remember what molly felt like it had been so long. Then it came up like a roller coaster and up and up and up, I swear to god I didn't even realize what time it was until I looked at my clock and it was 3:30am. Dancing was in my blood, the music was in my blood, everything made sense. It clicked for me and I fucking UNDERSTOOD IT. I truly felt like this electronic music made the most sense for me and for humanity over all other types of music that had ever existed, it just MADE SENSE. But ya I guess you guys know the feeling. My buddy kept giving me gum after gum, water bottle after water bottle, the 4 of us danced as a group among the crowd for hours. It was such a powerful, connecting experience. We poured our hearts out to each other about how much we all appreciate each other, how much we love each other (we've been friends for almost 13 years) and really everything in between. Just truly an amazing experience. By 5:30am we were coming down and getting tired and called it a night and got home. I showered all the sweat away and felt rebirthed, chugged like a gallon of water and went to sleep.

The next morning I woke up after only about 4 hours of sleep (I had to, I had an appointment but that's not too relevant) but to my surprise, I felt GOOD. Like, REALLY GOOD. I haven't woken up feeling this good for any day of work or any reason maybe in years. I'm not a morning person at all but I just felt so ready to take on the day. I figured the drugs were still in my system and that's why, but I really just didn't even care. I was just up, and I was extremely sharp, like the guy in Limitless. I didn't have a drowsy bone in my body which made absolutely no sense to me, but it felt great. I knew I would eventually crash, but I didn't really care about that either. I told my friend about this and he said ya, that can happen but he warned me that the whole day would feel like a roller coaster of ups and downs. So the day progressed and he was right, lots of ups and downs. The downs felt like I was a zombie but he told me not to nap and just power through it, go to sleep at a normal time so my body can get back to normal. Now it's the 2nd day after and I still feel ups and downs, but maybe 30% of the amplitude that I did yesterday. But still great overall.

The main thing that I took away from this besides all that however, is the emotional aspect. I haven't felt this in touch with my emotions, my gratitudes, my connection to myself maybe ever in my life. I feel just..... grounded. I find that in the last 2 days since my trip, I'm just able to think more clearly. I still feel like I want to express how grateful I am to everybody for them. For my partner, for my parents, for my coworkers (don't worry, my better judgement stopped me lol). But I felt it. I sat outside in my backyard and let the sun wash over me, and just reflected. I almost cried just sitting there thinking about it all. It feels so beautiful and I don't know how to properly take it all in and truly bring it with me.

My greatest fear with all this is that it really is just the drugs, and when it all leaves my system I'm just going to go back to my closed-off self again. I've been doing therapy for the last couple years and my fiance and I have been through a lot of heavy stuff but gotten through it together. We've also been through amazing things. We raised a dog together, got good jobs together, bought a house together, we've been through everything. Maybe the weight of my life now feels so much bigger that it did when I was a teenager fucking around taking drugs at a festival. But something has clicked for me and the molly just brought it a little more into focus than it previously was. I don't really know how to describe it but I just feel emotional, in the best way possible. My emotions all still feel magnified, the simple ones and the complex ones. My happiness feels more happy. My sadness feels more sad. My confidence feels more confident. My tiredness feels more tired, and my awakeness feels more awake. I kinda wish I always felt this way but I know that not possible and I just need to listen to this experience and take whatever I can of it with me, like a souvenir from a vacation.

I want to ride this rollercoaster again, I feel like it's the best thing in the world. I want to see what I'm capable of and really soak in it. I know you're not supposed to do molly more than once every few months if not more of course. But I'm so ready. If you made it this far from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I appreciate you too.