Just kidding.. ..or am I?

So I hate saying that I have Lyme because I don't know 100%. It's 99% likely that I have Lyme or a Lyme related illness.

If I do have it, that would mean that I've had it for almost 30 years. I'm just as antisocial online as I am in person, but I'm high AF right now and saw other people sharing their stories and thoughts about Lyme.. and I figure why not.

Before I get to the "benefits" part of it, which probably pissed some people off.. and I mean no offense by it, I'm a pretty neutral person and try to see the silver lining along with seeing the storm cloud.. but I should probably share my story first.

About 10 years ago, I was talking with a friend about life in general I guess and at one point they said "sounds like my other friend who has Lyme" and as I was looking it up, one of the pictures triggered a memory of me looking in the bathroom mirror at a bullseye rash in my armpit as a child. I got in contact with my dad and he confirmed that I got the bullseye rash, he took me to the doctor and says that I got an antibiotic pill there and one for home the next day, that's it. Since I don't really remember that part, I can't say for certain but I don't remember ever being on antibiotics for more than a week. I don't know what the standards were back then, but I can't see a two day antibiotic being effective against any bacterial infection. I've always hated taking pills and I can't remember a single time when I've been on antibiotics for more than 2 weeks.

So that's why I'm pretty sure that I've been dealing with an improperly treated Lyme illness for almost 30 years. I had a standard blood test at one point during a healthy phase like 5 years ago, but didn't come back positive. The doctor said he was just going diagnose me with Lyme and treat it as such, but his treatment was only a 2 week course.

The memory of it was weird too, cause I never really cried because of pain as a kid, but I remember crying when I discovered the rash.

Anyway, looking back at the last 30 years, there's a lot that could be attributed to Lyme.. and most of it fucking sucks.. but I would like to find that silver lining too and point out that I've never gotten the cold or flu. Like my immune system is in a heightened state and is actually helping me to not get a cold or flu ever. Seeing doctors before I remembered, I was diagnosed with mono.. three times. Strep a couple of times. Bronchitis once. Unknown bacterial/viral infection twice and that's when I stopped going to doctors for the most part. Never the flu or cold, so that's a plus.. I guess. There was a time when a lymph node in my throat swelled up like the size of a golf ball, got a two week antibiotic and the doc said they'd cut into it if it didn't go down any. It didn't, but he still wanted to wait it out and bout a week later it went away. I haven't gotten covid that I know of and I'm not vaccinated for any other reason than I just don't really care.. and I'm not antivax. In all honesty, I'm a little bit curious to see if the anti-cold and flu thing I got going on works with covid too.

Another silver lining is my neck and back muscles. While the cause was probably the spinal irritation keep my neck and back muscles tight so it was like a 24/7 mini workout and gives me a gym defined neck and back that always got compliments when seen.. and I definitely don't work out. Same with my legs. Like my thighs are pretty solid all the time and like rocks when I flex. Nearing 40 that's catching up to me though.. but I theorize that whatever negative it did to my neuromuscular system that made my muscles always be tight and tired also gave me well defined muscles with none of the effort.

One recurring topic I see is depersonalization, and I could write a novel about that.. but for now I'd say that has a positive aspect as well. Being detached, I don't really have an emotional reaction to physical pain. There were quite a few times doctors and nurses brought up the possibility that I was in some sort of state of shock when I went to the ER with a serious injury, just because I had almost no reaction other than a discomfort. Once was bitten in the mouth by a dog and the nurse was concerned I was in shock because I was putting on a smile with part of my lip hanging off my face. Don't get me wrong, I feel pain.. I just lack a response to it which can be good or bad.

Can't really think of anything else that could be seen as a positive.. and I'm sure some think no one should try looking for any kind of positive about something so negative.. and there are a ton of negatives, no doubt.

After the dog bite to the mouth, 4 days later one of my molars with a filling just crumbled out of nowhere. Within 2 weeks all 7 of my teeth that had fillings crumbled and fell out without any pain or even sensation. All my other teeth were perfectly fine, but it's like there was something that got my weakened teeth and I've seen other people link Lyme with teeth problems. I'm a bit sour about that negative but can still eat like normal with my one molar.

I guess all I am trying to say is that if you're having a hard time dealing with a negative, try to find a silver lining..

Now, I'm not looking for any kind of pity or support or even looking to getting treated anytime soon. I mean, financial help would be awesome and my cash app is my Reddit name wink.. but I am really wondering what it would take to be a guinea pig for Lyme researche? Obviously I need to get it proven first, but I've had it for so long and have become so numb to it that I could wait to treat it. Like I would seriously allow a legit Lyme researcher take a sample of any tissue but my eyes to study. Even if they wanted to drill a tiny hole in my head to get a minute brain tissue sample, I'd be down with that. Once I or the researchers feel like I've been poked and prodded enough, I'll move into the treatment phase.

Which leads me to the next train of thought.. from a natural evolutionary view point of Lyme, it doesn't make sense to me that Lyme would dead end in humans. A disease evolves to spread, and I know Lyme is good at getting into cells, but I would think it more likely there be a mechanism that triggers it to release so it can hitch a ride out of the host it just infected. If there was a trigger, it would be tick saliva.

It makes sense that after a tick delivers Lyme and that Lyme infects the body over time, it would want to hitch a ride on another tick if its host is bitten again. It could be a possibility there where Lyme senses new tick saliva and comes out of hiding so it can spread. I'd be curious if putting on a group of clean ticks on your body would help to lure Lyme out during an antibiotic course.

With all that, it took me quite some time.. several cigarettes, some bong hits.. and I'm drained. Can't promise I'll make any more posts about this, but I'll at least lurk the comments.