Oh, let's start with a fun new term that I use constantly but not here and that's about to change lol.

MAPAs:

Money Access Power Agreements

These are not marriages in the romantic sense. If you are marrying someone else for one of those reasons, then you are going to need to make sure that they are getting equal benefits, as it's an agreement. You are both agreeing to use each other to get what you want. Sure, perfect, mutually beneficial agreements are a perfect area for a contract lawyer!

But if you're thinking that marriage is Marriage, meaning sacrifice for the greatest good of the unit being formed, the team, then you'll need to be sure you are fully trusting the other person when they say they understand that and agree that's what they want too. That's the trust you have to have because it has to be perfect before you start or it will never last a lifetime. You can never ever be selfish again if it's going to hurt the other person, because that would hurt you far worse than any pain you would suffer in your own body.

And losing faith in the vow is selfish. You have to keep giving yourself evidence to prove the deal is still good, you have to get joy even from the sacrifice or it wouldn't be worth the pain. That's how you know it is. Your partner makes the exact same choices with your best interest at heart because again, you literally exchanged hearts with them in a fundamental way (with flowery language, you get my point). Because you married someone who wanted to give you their whole life as much as you wanted to give them yours.

So, all I'm saying, is please, pretty please, get your priorities sorted first. Know who you are and exactly what you want FIRST, before you try to give yourself away. Because if you give yourself away incomplete, you'll never become whole. That person does not have your missing piece, sorry! Your princess/prince is in another castle and hopefully you knock politely and ask if she or he is interested. Just because you think they're yours does not mean she or he has to agree.

Perfect trust upfront or it's all just a house of cards that most human relations can't survive without repairs and reinforcements. But that stuff is hard and painful and therapy sucks and it doesn't even always work and just please save yourselves the headache. And the cost, my fucking word, the immense expense.

If you can't trust someone in bed, that's a perfect indication that you can't trust them with the rest of your life. You're likely only LL because you feel unsafe or unseen (obviously excluding medical peeps here who just often desperately need help and doctors who give shit which, yeah hard to find) and if you did have a problem with that, a significant problem, you would want to solve it. So before dating as someone who is LL, I am in no way saying you have any problems. I'm asking you to look at you and see how you feel, see if you feel you have any issues.

I'm just saying, like a cancer screening, it never hurts to do a general check to make sure you're running on optimal data. Are there any areas you can identify where you felt unsafe in any sexual context? Lots of people think not until they remember being in a religious place as a kid and hearing about sex and hell for the first time (8 months of appointments later lol I was just totally unaware back when I was like 18 and in therapy for the first time). Again, for lots of peeps, once sex becomes about anything but pleasure between them and themselves and/or people who enthusiastically want to participate, it's just corrupted.

Shame corrupts far deeper than most people realize and you have to sort out all the shame that other people have given you and get rid of it ASAP. IT IS NOT YOURS! THAT SHAME IS NOT YOURS PUT IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY. JUST WALK AWAY.

Someone will dispose of it later safely. It's toxic and it's not yours and it's not safe and stop hurting yourself by trying to carry other people's fear.

You have to kind of deprogram a lot of the social stuff about sex. You have to be authentic, honest, free, at least with yourself!

And to do that, I present to you:

The LL (Dating or Not) Vision Quest Challenge*\

\with spirit animal reward*

"What did you say? That's ridiculous and a waste of time and oh I might get a real actual award oh that would be kind of fun right?"

...is roughly what I hope you're saying. I've been doing a lot of motivational work lately on reward systems. Work with me and feel free to just decline with thanks if you're not interested in my ridiculous need to give stuff out.

I know we haven't done a MULL in forever, but why not. It's my thing I do what I want and no one has to participate. Enthusiastically consenting adults only, welcomed, invited, I have a red carpet somewhere, I'll fix that later.

For everyone who reads this, you are not required to comment. Just of course if you want to win the award, you'll have to at least comment that you completed the Vision Quest Challenge but we're not gonna ask for proof or anything. The winner may be 7 people or none or whatever. Anyone who completes the Vision Quest Challenge will be eligible for a spirit animal reward. I won't detail what that looks like since I'll have to find out your spirit animal to reward you. All rewards will be nonmonetary and digital. So again, if you just need a reward system boost, this might be sufficient motivation either the challenge or the reward, to kick start something useful to you, that's it. That's all. Just for funsies because I'm bored and feeling the need.

Now, the nitty gritty:

To participate, please pick a safe, happy, comfortable place. Go there. Find your happy place. I dare you to actually locate one. Maybe you just build it in your head like I do! Maybe you need a forest or a lake or a city street.

Avoid all other humans. It's a vision quest, not a (group) date. Take someone for safety obviously if you're going somewhere weird and dangerous (and again, please note I said safe and happy, not interesting, exciting or unique!) but preplan a few minutes alone at least slightly (BUT SAFELY) nearby. But really, if you're distracted by the scenery (like a hot date) it won't work. This is a date for yourself, by yourself.

Once you've achieved nirvana, ask for the LLama or Kurt, or your preference. Since that seems unlikely to happen, try to give yourself some space to decompress. Pretty much give yourself the quicky meditation warm up. Google. Once you've found that you have zero use for that, you'll want to move on. If you find yourself stuck in this step, congratulations, you have a wonderful new potential hobby in meditation! It's super useful so yeah, go do that then try again later.

If you've arrived at this step, you've scoffed on your rock or tree or grass or floor or bed or whatever, but you didn't get up and leave most likely. That's good! That's because even though you have doubts, you're still trying! You're not a fucking quitter goddamnit and I'm so fucking proud of you.

So if meditation is bullshit for you, try extreme logical decision making. Break shit down into decision making trees make diagrams in real time, paint shit, write notes, make a power point. By now if you are in the woods, you are going to be so pissed, so yeah, this is why it's important to read the whole instructions, just like kindergarten. Now, go home and get to work.

The whole point is to have the space to think about the problem, or intuitively feel your emotional connection to the problem, if you're more of an emotional thinking peep! More importantly, you have to remember to define your problem sharply. This is what you need to take with you into your safe space to think about:

GrittierGrit:

• Are you happy?
• Do you feel unsafe in any area of your life?
• Do you have any control over your sexuality?
• Do you have any control over your sex life?
• Do you want any (not everyone does, that's what submissives discover sometimes!)?
• Do you feel insecure in any way?
• Do you feel confident and comfortable with yourself?
• Do you find any part of your own body beautiful or sexy or interesting or positive? If so, why? If not, can you pick one now? If you can't, try to really examine this point.
• Do you feel like you can be honest with the people around you?
• Can you trust the people you need to rely on?

If you're a potentially dating peep, you can add these:

What do I actually want in a partner? In a relationship? What are my needs and priorities so that I can properly and clearly communicate that to potential partners to save myself the fucking headache of expectations disappointing me and them, right?

We have been asked so often to do LL Dating Advice, and my best single piece of advice, my only prescription, is pain relief and avoidance. Don't let others hurt you if possible, sure, but the one thing you always have control over:

Your own feelings, reactions and happiness.

Take control.

Lock it down until it's safe and you will damn sure know when it is because your future partner will be out there slaying your zombies before making your breakfast and bringing it to you in bed. Or you know, whatever you want because they will fully respect your wants and needs, y'all. Again, your brain can lie to you, your body knows. You feel safety as a physical sensation, not just an emotion. That's why you can't manufacture trust, intimacy, etc. Those are physical sensations that you just can't con most people on long term. Either you're sincere or not. Either you're indecisive or a decision-making, problem-solving adult, lol. Either you give your partner the evidence that proves they picked the right person, or...

Now the last step is the most vital:

Look at your evidence.

Report back if you feel like it or comment your preference of spirit animal reward animal. I'll accommodate where I can and make it as awesome as Belle-possible. Just don't be a jerk, it's a free gift. Just say thank you and then talk shit about it somewhere else if needed lol. 😋💙

Edit: perfect trust can exist outside of the marriage bond, FYI. Trauma bonding is a form of it, elite military units have it or they wouldn't be elite. Perfect trust is an elite skill, basically. You have to level up to it.