As a f HL posting here and reading the responses of LLs it has been really eye opening. It's hard to accept some of the things you say and it's even harder to look back at my actions in the past and see how messed up some of my thoughts and actions were. But I'm trying. And I appreciate your patience as I learn.

I really never meant to hurt my partner or cause or contribute to any trauma. But it's seems that's what I've done. That said, there is blame to share and his unwillingness early on to go to therapy or otherwise work on things did not help.

So here is where we are:. In our last couples therapy appointment (we see a sex therapist) the therapist basically said we are at an impasse. Our communication has improved but the sex piece of our relationship hasn't changed at all. My thinking about that part of our relationship has shifted some but his has not. So, basically, she says that, before we can move forward we need to figure out if our goals are the same. I've been doing individual therapy and I've been very explicit about my goals. He has not done that. She says that in order for her to continue helping us, she would need him to try some individual therapy to dive into some of his individual stuff especially as it relates to sexuality in a relationship. I don't want to try and force him to change if it's not what he wants. But I also can't continue in the relationship if we don't have similar goals.

We set a couples therapy appointment about 45 days after our last one. In that 45 days he said he would go to see an individual counselor (she recommended a few).

It's been about 30 days and I don't think he has gone to see one yet...though I'm not certain about that. I've honestly been getting a little stressed out about the upcoming appointment in mid April. Not knowing what will happen and trying to plan for all different scenarios.

But something weird has happened. He's initiated sex twice in the past month (usually it's once every 2-3 months).

And...I don't know what to do. I've consented both times and I've felt good about it overall. But there's also a part of me that worries this is not a genuine desire from him...but just him "faking it until he makes it" for lack of a better term.

After reading so much on this sub I'm terrified of coercing him into sex he doesn't want. Is it possible I've done that yet again even though he's initiating?

I've thought about turning him down in an effort to ensure it's really what he wants. But I know that second guessing would lead to a fight about me not trusting him. And...am I even allowed to turn him down after so many years of begging for more intimacy?

We had sex this morning and I cried afterward. I was so happy with how effortless the whole thing felt and how "right" it all felt. But I also found myself thinking "why is he just now putting in the effort?" And "what if he didn't really want that and I've just put so much pressure on him that he finally relented?".

I just want an honest and open sexual relationship with the man I love. It feels like it shouldn't be that hard