Had another talk last night with my LL partner. I felt like I had been doing everything right had backed off on pressuring for sex for probably over a year now. Been in therapy but I've made it a point to pretty much only talk about relationship issues in the counseling session not outside of it so that our home life can be a safe space.

Apparently he still holding on to a lot of things that I did in years past before I was working on this the right way. I came out of the conversation feeling like such an asshole. Like I'm a monster and this is all my fault. Because early on when he didn't get hard when I tried to initiate I took it personally.

I just felt so broken last night and into today. Somewhere along the line I think I started getting mad though. I've been putting myself out there I've been practicing what therapist says. I've stopped pressuring stopped initiating. I've gone at his pace. Meanwhile he has done nothing. He says he's done a lot but I don't see any of it.

I feel like such an a****** for causing all these broken pieces of our relationship. It's my fault I caused this I know this now. I don't know how I should have handled it better from the beginning because I didn't know how to deal with this at the beginning. But why is he hanging on to things for years without telling me? I can't read his mind. I've been patient. I've offered compromise. He's offered nothing except for showing up to therapy.

So...I'm taking some space and getting an Airbnb for a couple of nights. He's at work and I guess I'll tell him about this when he gets home and calls me wondering where I'm at.

I just don't know what to do. I can't give him what he wants and I guess he can't give me what I want.

okay LL's please tell me why I'm an a****** and how I should have done better. I really want to know I really want to learn because on some level some stupid part of my brain still thinks that I can fix this. that I can make us whole again when in reality we never really were whole.