Syllabus for Today:

We've got a lot to get through today! Time to cram- I heard that giggle!

• Fish

• Chicken

• Color Theory

• Paradoxical Independence

• Childhood, Couches, Clichés

• Good vs Bad

• Doom

• Eternity

• Fluid Relationship Dynamics

• Toolboxes

• POP QUIZ!

What are we even supposed to be learning here?

When you examine the relationship between two people, you always have certain things that stick out. Maybe it's their commitment to each other, maybe it's how much distance is between them when they sit down, maybe it's how often they smile or make eye contact.

When you examine your own relationship, it's weirdly complicated and difficult, simply because you are existing within the environment. You might struggle to see your relationship (or yourself!) objectively.

If you ever wonder why people (me included!) often push for therapy, this is why. It can be really hard to see the fishbowl if you're still living inside it. Having someone qualified and objective to help you get the whole picture can radically change how you view not only your circumstances, but solutions to any problems. If you've been trying to figure out why your electronics don't work, and you discover you're immersed in water, you will stop wasting money and time on the current failing solution, which mostly consists of "Have you tried turning it off and then back on?".

Now, with your new insights, you can buy only waterproof alternatives, encasements and other things delivered from Fishazon Prime! You've never been happier and you can finally appreciate how much light the glass lets in during the day!

If you look back at any traumatic time in your life, like say high school (lol) how much clarity/perspective do you have now, versus how much you had then? That's not just in terms of how we see things, but about our relationship to those influences. It's a long, complicated process to understand the individuals themselves and their place in the sequence/context of events. It's complicated by the fact that (occasionally), people don't know or can't explain or won't be honest about some aspect. It's almost never done with negative intentions, but fear, shame, guilt, etc.

Just like nothing happens in a vacuum, bodies at rest or in motion tend to stay - rest... in moti-... No, that's physics, next door.

Where was I? Nothing in a relationship happens that doesn't effect both people. Like a three-legged race, you're in this together and if you don't work as a team, you're going to fall on your face. Wait, that might be gym class.

The Writing on the Chalkboard

OH!

Oh, right, this is Supplementary Sex Education, adult annex night class! Now we are back on track! We're going to aim for digging out a few details that might help explain the early influences that might explain your LL, your HL, or may have nudged you along the way.

Yes, we've arrived at the age-old question of chicken or egg. (I told you there would be chickens!)

Are LLs born or made? Both? Neither?

Which came first (or didn't come at all)? How do you even tell?!

There are million influences that might be playing a part in your current situation. We've already examined self-esteem, situational factors, etc. Now comes the fun task of looking backwards, far into the past (I won't ask how far), to what informed your behaviors, opinions and beliefs, and what role that played in you finding this post!

• Were you always the LL?

• Did it happen gradually?

• Was it spontaneous, or tied to an event?

• Were you HL at one point in your life?

• Have you been systematically converted to LL by forces outside your control?

• Do you feel you were just born this way?

• Do you engage in sex for any reason other than fun or pleasure?

• Have you experienced trauma, illness, or other mental or physical issues that could have an impact on how you feel about your body, about sex? Did you just lose interest, or was it reactive?

Those answers are going to be different for everyone. They may be hard to find, they might be painful. They might be too painful and buried too deep to even think about finding them alone. If the reason for your LL is hidden in the basement of the local grave-digger's creepy looking mansion (it's a horror movie, work with me here), right next to the place they keep murderous criminals contained only by cheap locks, it's fair to say that it's out of your reach, alone. If horror movies have taught us anything, it's that you have a better chance of survival if you have help. You need a team, and sometimes that team needs more people than just you and your partner, and that's ok.

Speaking of teams...

Everyone pick at least three people to be in your study group!

(Or just pick the whole sub, that's what I do!)

I recommend reading (or rereading) this one when you have a bunch of free time, with something handy to take notes on. That's right, this post has homework, if you choose to do it. I can't really fail you or anything, but if you're examining all the different aspects of your DB, this one probably shouldn't be ignored. You might uncover some new ideas that could help. Or at least be able to explain certain perspectives (if not why you have them).

If you remember the very first MULL, we covered a potential situation where you might have had a "weird/unpopular/unusual" favorite color. Let's review:

If you love the color blue, there is probably a reason, some motivating childhood trigger "incident". And you could probably find it with enough time and introspection and a perfect memory. No one will get upset that you like blue, etc.

But what if you liked something weird first, back then, like brown or orange or chartreuse? What if you said that out loud once, were ridiculed and quietly changed your answer to blue to fit in. You might forget you ever liked a "weird" color. You might blame your parents for giving you a beloved "weird colored" object that caused you to have a weird choice!

If you had just been allowed to like your color, you would have been a different person. Questioning is fine if you want to ask them of yourself, if you just naturally arrive at the need to self-interrogate. But again, is that how it happened, or did you get that message from "outside"?

This example includes the interesting consideration of "outside influences". Here, it means you pick a new "less weird (etc)" favorite color. But what other things have you been influenced by? What else has shaped your journey or opinions or actions? Let's unpack!

Please, take a seat, stretch out on the couch. Tell me about your childhood...

No, just kidding. We're definitely not going to need the couch! But it is kind of an essential starting point for you to consider, what did things look like growing up? It's a cliché for a reason, but your formative years probably played some part in, you know, forming you.

We begin with how you learned about relationships, which is often discussed in terms of modeling, "What are relationship dynamics, attachment styles..."

(Are you falling asleep back there?)

The Dependency Paradox

Speaking of relationships, you may have heard about something called the "dependency paradox". If not, that's ok, it's more often used in developmental analysis than mature relationships. The paradox is: the more support someone feels they have, the less they need it. That's a big oversimplification, but again, if you want the details, I highly recommend looking into it. Basically, if you feel comfortable relying on the people around you (like your partner), you are more likely to display independence. I know, paradoxical!

Growing up, you can see this in kids (or possibly even in your own life looking back) all the time. It's in movies and TV. A quick example is the parent holding the back of the bicycle the first time the kid rides without training wheels. The kid believes they are being "helped" or "supported" by their parent, who they think is keeping the bike steady. The next thing they know, they've figured out how to keep themselves upright, they've achieved bicycle independence! And, once they've succeeded, they don't resent the parent letting go of the bike seat. The more they trust their parent not to let them fall over or experience serious bodily harm, the easier it is for them to embrace their independence when they achieve it.

So, does that mean that by offering zero support, your partner is fostering a lack of independence? It doesn't really work that way, in theory, but I'm not convinced there isn't something to that...

Are you saying my partner is somehow undermining our relationship?

Actually, kind of! A little. Maybe? If they are, it probably isn't deliberate. But this raises the question of: is there any reason, that you can think of, for them not wanting you to feel independent?

Is there any reason they would keep a hand on your bicycle seat long after you needed it?

Why should they not encourage independent exploration and the quest to find your own equilibrium?

What if we used a different word? What if I said "secure" instead of independent?

(I see light bulbs popping over heads.)

That's because if you've ever done any amount of reading on relationships, you have probably heard about secure, anxious-resistant and avoidant. As in adult attachment theory. You can pick up the basics here if needed!

The brief summary is that you develop your attachment style early and it follows you through life, informing your choices, decisions, relationships, etc. Totally possible. Where did you get that attachment type from? Ugh, it's right back to childhood again.

Seriously, can we talk about something else, anything, I don't want to think about my parents!

That's interesting. Would you elaborate on that?

Kidding, of course. But, the prevalent theory behind adult attachment types usually correlates to childhood, your bond with your parents, etc. They have a lot to answer for, don't they?

But examine the hypothesis, before you dismiss it. What did you see around you growing up? If you believe one theory, we're all a product of our environment and experience. If you believe the other (not diametrically opposed) theory, we were born and we changed our environment by interacting with it, testing those reactions and building our perception as we went.

Either way, it continues to influence you even now. Maybe not even in obvious ways, but if you dig deep enough, pull back enough layers, there's almost always some weird thread connected back to the early years, as we might call them.

I often think that if anyone finds a part of any MULL (or any post on Reddit, etc) that they violently disagree with, especially when it's not an objective fact, they should usually examine why they have such a visceral reaction to words on a screen, written by a stranger, about something so ephemeral as in opinion. So, if there's been any part of this series so far that you've just violently disagreed with, great! Poke at that sore spot. Just by trying to understand why you disagree, it might offer additional insight. You could learn something about yourself, if you can explain your reaction! Please don't feel compelled to tell us about it. Just do it at home. It's inside homework, not outside homework.

Good Influence/Bad Influence

It's not about good or bad, it's about exposure and absorption.

In one of the first MULL comment sections, we had a really good discussion about the potential impact of sexual commercialization on younger people, and what role, if any, that culture plays in shaping how we view sex as we grow up. I originally had a post that was titled something like "Sex Sells?" and it was just chock full of witty remarks on how promoting sexualized toys or even gendered toys could potentially leave a mark on kids that might not be obvious until years later. Luckily for all of you, I realized that those elements were just one facet of all the early influences that build our internal picture of "Sex".

The key factor is not just "good vs bad" because: we are all exposed to million different stimuli while growing up. You could have 999,999 positive experiences, and that one bad one is what you'll remember in thirty years, lol. We're more influenced by intensity as we develop, and those intense experiences have a tendency to be... not great. So, if you are going to remember that one negative influencing factor, then the absorption is the more important aspect, over the exposure.

You can see this even in adulthood, in your relationship. Which do you remember more vividly: the last fight you had or the last hug? You might remember both, but which one evokes more emotion? For a large number of people, it's not the hug. So, exposure matters. If you only every experience hugs, the exposure will remain positive, and the absorption is largely uniform. But if you only experience hugs and then one day you get kicked in the shin, it's safe to say that's going to leave a mark.

Approaching the subject of sex, relationships, etc, you can see the difference between what you've been (or are currently) exposed to, and what you absorbed from that exposure.

Hopefully you read the adult attachment theory explanation, because this next part won't make as much sense without it lol.

Are we doomed to repeat our patterns?

If you've figured out your attachment style, the next question is often: is there any way to change this?

You're in luck! There definitely is!

The whole thing is simple really!

You just decide to think differently.

That's it! Alright, we can pack it up and go home. Shut it down. Everyone collect your grades on the way out and-

Yeah, I know, it would be great if it was that easy. Unfortunately, much like everything DB related, it's complicated and messy. But there is hope. You can learn to at least identify your attachment style, your partner's style, uncover if they are suffering from limerence, etc... And then you can just give up because this is exhausting! Who has the time and energy for this?

Why does this class always seem to never end?

Sadly, it never will. Learning about yourself is a lifelong process, sharing that life with a partner means you probably have to spend just as much time trying to understand them, but with twice the effort since you can't see inside their thoughts. So, that means by necessity, talking to them. A lot. But they should be talking to you too. It's like a study group for your relationship. If only one of you is putting in all the work, it's not really going to achieve the results you're looking for. The problem usually looks like this: you get an assignment, build a volcano, baking soda, vinegar, the whole bit. You are assigned a partner. You spend time trying to complete the whole assignment, which includes writing a paper, making a poster board, building and construction of the paper-maché. It's a labor-intensive process! You are giving it your all, really putting in your best effort, and...

crushed sigh

You look over and your partner is already mixing the chemicals because they are only interested in the reaction they can see, not the process behind it.

Attachment, early influences, what? Will I ever use this in the real world?

The smart kids might!

Kidding, I always hated that answer. In the last post we talked a little about pursuit-distancer dynamics. That's the thing that all the other work leads to:

Fluid- I mean, Relationship Dynamics!

After all this hard work to understand where you came from, what influenced you on the way, you are probably looking around your life with a puzzled expression, trying to connect the dots.

You think back. You had a good life, decent family, nothing really jumps out as "wrong". Or, you review your early memories and think "Oh right, that's why I'm like this". Either way, you are now looking at your adult relationships, and possibly wondering how to fix or change the way you interact.

Yes, it's (somewhat) possible (sometimes)!

By understanding your relationship dynamics, you can adapt. You can change your actions, reactions and emotional traction. You can improve things on your end.

But that's only half the battle. You have to have a partner who can also see their past and present, who can see their interactions and impact. You need a partner who is willing to explore and reshape that dynamic with you... because you're a team.

Another Tool in the Toolbox

This is not foolproof! It's just another tool to potentially help debug your life and help you build a better relationship with your teammate!

The goal here is to quickly and easily triage your relationship by identifying the dynamics between you. You will obviously need to do a great deal of work after the identification phase. This is just the rough idea, and as always, I encourage you to consult a professional!

And now, the Relationship Dynamics Identification Quiz (RDIQ)...

Yes, the acronym sounds like "ridicule". Point taken, it is a terrible acronym. What about...

• The Periodically Needed Table of Relationship Dynamics? No. Man, tough crowd.

• Ok, Interpersonal Connection Oscillation Communication Key... We could call it the iCock... No, that sounds even worse. Hang in there, I'm going to nail it eventually!

• Evaluation (of) Variables (in) Emotional Relationships? I do like the idea of calling it "The EVER After Test". But probably not.

I think I got it:

Healthy Evaluation About Relationship Dynamics. HEARD. I won't tell you how long that process took, but I will say this was supposed to be the second MULL...

Practice (being) HEARD!

Glad we got that sorted!

So, what does it mean to be HEARD? Primarily, it's just a quick tool to examine how your dynamics are interacting within your relationship, and then evaluating if the interaction is healthy for you, your partner and your relationship.

• Identify your adult attachment style: secure, avoidant, anxious-resistant.

• Rule out any unhealthy patterns like limerence, codependency, pursuit-distancer, underfunctioning/overfunctioning, etc.

• Check your conflict style and see if it's effective with the person you are dealing with: competition, collaboration, compromise, avoidance, accommodation.

Once you are sure you've both been HEARD, process the info, and see how it relates to what's going on in your relationship. Are there any surprises? Was anything not what you thought initially? Have you both identified new areas to work on?

But what about the chicken and the egg?!

Well, that's one we probably can't answer with any authority. At least not for everyone. Some LLs may have simply been dealt these cards. Some may have changed over time for a variety of reasons. Some have been kind of shoved into it by circumstances beyond their control. Regardless of how they got here, they all deserve to be loved for who they are, not who they used to be or who they might have been.

If you've identified potential patterns that may be causing your LL, great! If you you have questions about your specific conclusions, by all means, ask. Read. Read more. Do as much research as you can, but make sure your study buddy is sharing the workload.

If you've been over the MULLs, and you've checked to see if you're HEARD, and you still have no answers, that's okay too! Congrats on all your hard work, and I hope you will consider if the search for answers is healthy and personally motivated. There isn't always a reason, or any "fixable" aspects, or any additional steps you are capable of taking right now. It's ok to put this issue up for a little while and focus on the things you can do something about.

💙

Note from Belle:

I hope this initial series has been useful. After the next post (Part 10, arriving Thursday), new MULLs will be posted on the 1st of every month.

If there's enough topics to cover, we might have them on the 1st and the 15th. But at least the 1st of every month, lol. So, you can bookmark or check the MULL INDEX to find the new links, if you are interested or if you miss one and want to catch up.

Eventually, my goal is to build the wiki out of the posts and the comments they've received. That way the wiki truly becomes a community resource. I had hoped to get to it before I had to go back to work, but I kind of ran out of time. The next time I have a large, extended chunk of nothing to do, that's my next project, lol I promise!

Part 10 will be covering trust, intimacy and love. In a weird turn of events, it will be a completely joke-free, humorless post. I didn't plan to end this initial series on a depressing note, but that's just how it's shaping up. Luckily, we'll probably get the jokes back in time for August 1st. So, please skip Thursday's post if you are interested in laughing, it's just going to be really, not-being-sarcastic-I'm-telling-you-as-a-legitimate-warning sad. Thanks for reading, I really look forward to the discussion on this MULL, and I hope you all have a lovely day! 💙