Whoo part 8! We've come so far! Hopefully, we've covered a lot of the basics on things you can do to improve your relationship, possibly address the causes or reasons (if there is one) for your lowered desire level (or energy level in this recent heat) for sex and generally helped you gain insight.

This post was split into two sections, Section A and Section B. Section A is mercifully short! I'll pretend I didn't hear the sigh of relief...

I have detention slips for troublemakers! (Kidding! That's in the Kinky MULL...)

DB Psych 101: What's your sign, (implied affectionate diminutive)?

These two posts cover the psychology behind some aspects of sexuality, the HL/LL dynamics and how to work with them. Obviously, a lot of this is covered in a ton of places. This is merely a summary, not a deep dive. But psychobabble can be incomprehensible at the best of times, so let's talk stars, psycho killers and objectification, instead!

One way of looking at this: it's like astrology (if you're into that kind of thing). You can look at a list and identify what you are based on certain information (your birthday in astrological circles). Once that's done, you can stop and just read your horoscope everyday, no deeper meaning or understanding required!

Or, you could then go into a full analysis of the solar system at the time and place you were born, and read carefully on what influence Mars on the cusp of Libra had on your fourth ascending house of the rising sun...

Wait, that's just song lyrics now. Sorry about that.

But the point is, the scope is similar! This post (and the next one) can give you a few options based on certain information, but the full analysis is elsewhere, and probably requires a bit of reading and research, if it interests you. But it's far too much to cover in a few Reddit posts. If you want to have comprehensive analysis of your DB constellation, PM me after class, lol.

Really, I do encourage everyone to research on their own. Homework sucks, but sometimes it can help you get a better idea of what you are trying to understand. As always, these MULLs are just giving you things to think about, different ways to look at things you already know, or occasionally learn something new. They aren't intended to be the end-all-be-all of everything, just a place to pick up vocabulary and concepts that might help you.

Learning Curve

Have you ever heard someone talk about how we should teach high school students about budgeting, taxes, laundry?

This post contains what they should have included in Sex Ed. Yes, learning the biology is important. As is having a place to put condoms on fruit — absolutely vital!

But what about stuff that might have been useful as an adult? Could it help everyone avoid a future of bad sex, crushed hopes and unsatisfactory relationships?

No, probably not everyone, but possibly someone!

From there, let's unpack our educational overview. This post is about limerence. It's actually an updated version of the very first MULL ever written (before it had a fun unifying nickname lol). It was dry, esoteric and dull. Useful! But deeply, deathly dull. So, for anyone who read the previous iteration, welcome to the reboot!

What is Limerence (or are you just making things up now)?

No, it's real! Limerence is the romantic desire that you feel for a person. But it's got a little bit of a different twist:

"... an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object (LO) [for our discussion purposes the LL is the LO] involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation".

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Well, that's a mouthful! (Stop giggling in the back.) Let me grab some chalk and we'll take it one section at a time!

So, it sounds like NRE or the "Honeymoon Period" right? Pretty standard. The LL (or limerent object) moving out of that "honeymoon phase" is where the very first shift in the relationship occurs. The intense need generated during that NRE phase can never be adequately reciprocated, which we covered in Part 4 with our bicycle story. It's very near an addictive state for some limerent (HL) partners; the need grows over time while the actual experience is increasingly terrible. Essentially, this type of HL is always chasing that high of the "honeymoon" with diminishing returns... forever.

Next, the obsessive/intrusive aspect is not always a part of it. Many HLs do not turn into obsessive and intrusive partners! That's the good news. But, the intense desire for reciprocation is almost always present.

Essentially, it's about being romantically and sexual attracted to your partner, and having a significant need for that desire to be reciprocated. We see it a lot in the DB sub: the concept that the HL partner wants desperately to feel "desired", as intensely and compulsively as they desire their LL spouse. The main thing to take away from the experience of any limerent HL is: acute craving for equal reciprocation and the fear of rejection.

Another thing that relates to some HLs in a DB specifically: Limerence can increase the HLs (sexual) interest when they perceive their limerent object (the LL) is indifferent or inaccessible. So, limerence can show up as pressure inside the HL, pushing sexual desire to greater levels if the LL partner pulls away. The LL is not wrong or bad for withdrawing, and they are not at fault for their HL partner's limerent state.

Danger Zone

The second aspect of this dynamic is the resultant depression or worse, despair, or even worse, clinical despair.

So, standard depression is commonly understood as a lack of engagement with your world, withdrawing, sadness, hopelessness, etc. Despair can obviously feature in depression. It might be expressed as 'I just can't go on' or something similar. It's not suicidal ideation, more apathy towards continued existence.

(If you or anyone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts please visit r/suicidewatch for resources.)

The despair that comes from limerence is slightly different. It can become clinical despair because the sense of despair has no chance to dissipate. Think of a pressure cooker compared to a tea kettle; one has a ready construction to let built up pressure escape. You want to be a tea kettle in this example.

The relationship happens, bond is formed (such as moving in together/marriage) and THEN the limerence develops. Most often it happens if the LL pulls away. That's because it leaves the HL using fantasy and often experiencing intrusive thoughts (thinking about the physical relationship all of the time, obsessing, etc). Again, this is really not about fault-finding. The LL (and the HL potentially) may never have experienced this before and can't recognize the dynamics shifting quickly enough to stop it.

The reason why this combination is so much different (this part is just my opinion) is because the expectation of the limerent object is constantly present in a situation where the HL feels that based on social conventions, the limerent object should be available ("We're married! We should be having sex because it's part of marriage!") and the resultant despair is deeper because it's being held up against not only their expectations but that of society and their upbringing as well.

Objectively Objectified

This is where the concept that you are only an object to your spouse (by this point) can be hard to recover from. Once you become a limerent object, how do you come back to being their partner? Here, the explanation is, complex at best.

Once the LO bond/reaction has occurred, for our purpose, we can call them HL (Limerent) and LL (Limerent Object, or Nonlimerent), it falls into one of two categories: Limerent/Limerent and Limerent/Nonlimerent. When you have a limerent person and a nonlimerent partner, i.e. limerent-nonlimerent bonding, it's characterized by unequal reciprocation.

As a side note, some limerent-limerent (some HL/HL pairings, but not all) bonds can evolve into affectionate bonds over time as limerence fades, which can result in happy and content pairings. One example is the couple that adjusts together to the "too old for sex and all that nonsense" mindset as they age, with both partners placing less priority on sex, at roughly the same pace. Unfortunately, most limerent-nonlimerent relationships are unstable and can often be short-lived.

Warning: What follows contains fictional horror movie tropes as examples. If you have a problem with even reading about horror movies, please click the wiki link instead, and skip this section.

Class was Always Better When They Showed (Horror) Films

These limerent-nonlimerent pairings often (and in some cases can only) resolve in the following patterns:

• Consummation (reciprocation)

Each limerent (HL in these examples) has a slightly different view of acceptable reciprocation, and the reactions to reciprocation vary. Some limerents remain limerent, while for others the limerence subsides as the certainty of reciprocity grows. Other limerents do not achieve any "real" consummation (e.g. physical, or in the form of an actual relationship) but find their limerence dropping after a limerent object (LL) professes similar feelings.

So, if the HL partner feels they are getting almost exactly the same level back, or trust that the level is rising to meet theirs, they might lose their limerence. In some cases, it's actually a "turn off", and having those feelings returned causes them to effectively lose interest. It's like if a murder victim in a horror movie was suddenly really into being stabbed, it might kind of suck the fun out of it.

• Starvation

In this process, a lack of any notice (i.e. starvation, overwhelming evidence that the LO/LL does not return the limerence) causes the limerent to gradually desensitize. This desensitization can take a long time, in which case a limerent's latent hypersensitivity may cause any attention given by a former LO, regardless of how slight, to be interpreted as a reason for hope, precipitating a resurgence of limerence. I know, it's wordy, but accurate. What it boils down to is this: the HL in this case slowly loses the limerence they feel as it becomes obvious the LL is not returning it in the way they want. The downside is that they now will jump on any perceived attention from their LL like a jackel on a gazelle. It causes the cycle to start over again. This can be repeated a lot. We often see this pop up under terms like "intermittent reinforcement" or "hopium". The main reason I dislike those terms is because they place the negative on the Limerent Object, the LL. When you see it from this perspective, some HL are doing this to themselves. How can an object do anything? It's an object.

But it's easy to see that from the outside, or from the perspective of the Limerent Object. Some HLs think it's done intentionally to keep them "hooked". In reality, it's more like a terrible game of "Serial Killer/Slasher Movie Hide-and Seek". The LL may cautiously leave the closet to see if the maniac is gone, they get spotted and chased down and they have to find a new hiding spot. The killer is pissed that they got their murderhopium levels up with this teasing, and they are growing frustrated that the victim won't just hold still and get murdered already! They just don't understand. This intermittent reinforcement that they are still alive somewhere, popping out occasionally to check for safety... is just driving the killer up the wall here.

• Transference

The limerent transfers his or her romantic feelings to another person, thereby ending the initial limerence; the limerence is sometimes transferred as well.

This one is really common. You see it in affairs, the relationships immediately after the HL leaves the DB, any time the Limerent person transfers their focus of attention. In our horror movie terms, it's when our fictional killer abandons the hunt of their current cinematic coffin-fodder and goes after the very attractive cheerleader with large mammaries who is definitely going to trip, riiiiiiight aboooout —now.

Can this dynamic be fixed?

I think, in some cases, maybe even a majority, the despair can be repaired.

The LO bond could be corrected, but it's a slow process with no guarantees. I thought this might be beneficial in understanding one type of HL/LL bond and how the relationship might look in this situation.

The limerent behavior could certainly push the limerent object partner further away, just like in our serial killer examples.

You could even look at in "pursuer-distancer" terms (one of the more common adult attachment-style issues found in DB). This is basically where one partner is looking for reassurance and moves closer to their partner, while the other is pulling away and shutting down due to over-stimulation.

Okay, astrology, horror movies... What's next, chickens?!

bell ringing

Alright, how does this connect to Adult Attachment Theory and Relationship Dynamics, you might ask?

YES! It DOES involve chickens! Did you read ahead? See you Tuesday!