(28llf)

My current partner(26hlm) put forth a lot of effort in the beginning… and the way we started. I thought I could overlook what wasn’t necessarily the best sex. Especially since he was so great in other areas (thoughtful, caring, sweet and generous) I went through the motions- and he could tell I wasn’t fully sexually satisfied. He asked for more verbal feedback so we could come to a better place.

So some backstory… that is going to make me look like a total asshole but it is what it is. My prior relationship- (25-30hlm)- was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. On/off for 5 years. He told me he got off on getting me off- and yep. Confirmed. Between my comfort, openness and willingness to receive him- his efforts, the way he knew and read me- we connected and accomplished things I only thought possible in porn. Even still- I had ll. Sometimes weeks would pass without action and I would inadvertently hurt and physically starve him. (I could be more ‘touchy’ and physically affectionate but a downfall of mine is that I do tend to fall short here… I think cpstd and not wanting it to lead to sex…)

When my current partner wanted to have the conversation I tried to describe to him what my ex did (no I didn’t tell him) He wanted step by step instructions which wasn’t my thing but I tried. I did know a few things like which positions make me uncomfortable and some turn offs… this made me feel too vanilla (for reference I also worked in sex shop for 6 years prior. I know how to communicate - not my fault he couldn’t read the manual) 1. Lift hood. Lightly tease clit. I gave this man step by step-emphasis on clit only until I’m ready for penetration, go for the gspot) He just kept swinging and missing. Eventually I felt bad- he was trying and I just wasn’t it.

Enter traumatic life situation- I just couldn’t. For weeks on end. When I tried I’d cry and feel full of guilt. At this point though- and for supporting me through said situation he felt entitled. Enter the pressure and guilt.

I feel so terrible- the sex was trash. He wanted me to explain it to him and all I could think of was my ex- who knew my nonverbal and physical feedback. He wanted to see me genuinely enjoy myself- it doesn’t feel like that with my current partner. I know he wants and needs it. But when I can’t enjoy it too - I feel cheap and used. I’ve tried expressing this to him and he only gets more upset and feels I should be more creative to satisfy his sexual needs.

Big sigh. Big heartache. I don’t know what I expect to come of this (certainly not me)

Thanks for letting me vent.