It’s been months since you’ve graduated college and your degree(liberal arts) isn’t getting you a job anytime soon. You were forced to move back into your parents house because the only job you could find is a part time barista gig. Your parents are going on vacation for the week so you decided that you are finally going to get laid. It’s been almost a year and you get moist just thinking about being manhandled. You get on Tinder,Bumble,and even Facebook scrolling through friends. The hours slowly tick away as you begin drinking while swiping. You continue to get matches and are met with various dick pics, “hey sexy”, and no responses. You quickly begin to get discouraged as you stop and just scroll through various social media platforms. You then come across a post from a man that you barely know that says,” Demon seance is taking a bad turn. They are hard to control and always try to fuck my girlfriend.” In your inebriated state you decide to at least try to have fun, so you begin googling seances. You find a website that claims you can spawn and control a demon. You click the site and begin to read the steps. “WARNING: all steps must be followed exactly to keep the demon from escaping. DO NOT ATTEMPT IF YOU ARE NOT EXPERIENCED!

Step one: Create a pentagram with salt. At every point put a small dab of holy water

Step Two: Read from the book of Lucifer and read the chapter of demon you wish to appear.

Step three: when the portal from the underworld opens, Light two candles and place the on opposite side of the pentagram.

If you follow all of these you may do what you wish with the demon. The only thing you must do is keep him inside the pentagram. Good luck fellow satanist!”