Hey, so I want to start off by saying that I understand the transition to working life is inherently difficult. Office politics are a norm everywhere, your coworkers aren't your friends, etc. I've heard it all. That being said, I feel like I'm having an especially...abnormal experience? I'd appreciate some perspective on this.

I moved from the Mid-Atlantic to the Midwest for this job. I had interned here, fallen in love with my interviewer (we spoke for an hour vs. the allotted thirty minutes), & I landed the internship before I even flew home.

When I interned last summer, I was excited as hell to be doing the work I was given, but there was always a little inherent awkwardness between me & my team. There's a tremendous age/life gap between me & the youngest person on my team (I was in college, everyone else was 29-40, most were married). I'm the only person of color on my team, and I could tell they were uncomfortable whenever I talked about my ethnic culture or language. I was also very shy. But I was excited that they'd taken a chance on me, excited to learn, & I wanted so badly to do a good job. I would take any revisions I was given & rework without a second thought. My manager told me she would give me the job offer before the summer even ended. While I was hesitant about the lack of people of color in the office, the location, and the differences between me & my team, I loved that everyone was very friendly (Midwesterners are!) and I wanted more responsibility there. Plus, I wanted additional opportunity to work with the woman who interviewed me, as I really looked up to her. So I took the offer.

I started my job last month and I'm having a really, really hard time. There's a lot of factors now that I didn't experience as an intern. I have a new manager, and while she's very supportive and kind, the things I were told were employment benefits (teleworking, etc.) she only allows with certain exceptions. Our benefits packages are relatively expensive. Our 401K only matches with one year of vesting. I haven't had much work to do for five weeks, as many projects have already been delegated and they don't tend to reassign things here. Another manager told me I'm expected to work 9 hours, while as an intern I worked 8-8.5. People love to gossip; I've watched someone leave a room, just for another person to talk about them without skipping a beat. I found out from a former coworker who's a POC that my interviewer was racist and made their time there very difficult. We have open offices now, without windows and with very dark lighting (I'm in advertising, and the designers need this to be able to accurately assess their work. I get that, but I'm a writer, so it makes it hard to work).

With the open office, I've noticed that it feels like I'm being watched (Is this normal?). People clock my screen before they look at my face when they stop by. I don't have much work to do, so I'm struggling with trying to find different ways to look productive. I usually worked in our cafeteria as an intern, so I've been going down there to write (There are windows!) and to take a breather from feeling like I have to keep a relevant screen open, even if I have nothing to do. But people keep making comments about it, and I don't know if I'm overstepping my bounds as a new employee. My manager mentioned that it seemed like I wasn't at my desk much; I explained it helped me work more productively, and she said she was okay with it. But when I stayed late downstairs to catch up with a coworker, people expressed concern. A colleague dm'ed me with shock ("OMG! You must have stayed so late") & the next morning my manager had a similar comment ("I heard you stayed late! Are you overwhelmed?"). I mentioned I was heading out one afternoon and my coworker asked when I'm getting in. I'm just...so confused.

On top of that, I'm having trouble connecting with my team. People are polite, but they're very closed off. I'll mention their interests (that other people have mentioned in passing) and try to express my interest as well, but it doesn't really grip. I'm not really sure what it is.

People aren't sitting next to me in meetings. When it happened the first few times I thought I was being sensitive, but then I noticed it would happen every meeting. I mentioned it to my former coworker who's a POC, and they explained the same thing had happened to them, in addition to having trouble connecting with her colleagues. They told me they wish they'd warned me about the workplace, but they decided against it because I had seemed so excited about the job.

I feel like work is bearing down on me so much right now. I'm experiencing chest pains throughout the day and into my night. I'm having trouble sleeping. I feel so stuck. I don't feel like I can quit because I signed a contract for a year (the bonus has already been paid), but I'm having trouble even getting through each day. Weeks 2-4 I told myself I would do myself to make things better, that it would get better, I would try to connect and build bridges with my colleagues—and I did; I really tried—I've been asking for more work from all my coworkers and setting up meetings with people I haven't met before—but once Week 5 concluded, and I spent that Friday with absolutely no work and no one to talk to, I've lost all my spirit to try.

I understand some of what I'm feeling is probably due to this being my first full-time job, ie. adjusting to an open office, office politics, putting on a smile every day even when it's hard, trying to build bridges with people I have little in common with, being shy and navigating small talk 24/7. I think a lot of these things are common in any job. I understand that offices change, and my manager now is going to be different from my previous manager, where I had a lot of flexibility with what I did. I understand that I have to accept how the perks HR sold me as an intern simply don't exist in the way they were presented. I understand that while I have little work now, that could change any week now (I'm still crossing my fingers). But the gossip, the cliques, the nosiness, and the weird atmosphere around race, how nobody has anything to say when I mention anything remotely related to my race or family background—to the point where I don't talk about it anymore. (It's a part of me! Why do I have to hide it?)

I also moved here for the job, a whole fifteen hour drive away. It's only been a little over a month. Even if I wanted to quit my job, where would I go? Who would take me with only a month's worth of work experience? The job market here is considerably smaller than where I'm from; I've noticed that ever since I've started, I no longer get job solicitations on LinkedIn, which I'm assuming is due to my location.

What do I do, Reddit? Do you have any advice for me? Should I keep trying? What should I do differently?