For some context I'm a 16 year old dude. Dion't know if that has an impact.

I feel like my personality is one big contradiction. It makes no sense, ill give some examples.

I love my dog, had her for 10 years. She's the reason I wanna be a veterinarian and she is my best friend. When she dies, my heart will shatter and I will never recover, but at the same time I will be relived. I won't have to worry about feeding her, or walking her or checking with people watching her if she's ok and constantly checking on her. I know its wrong.

I consider myself a peaceful person, and a very empathic one at that. It does hurt to see genuine human suffering. The story of a millions dead has no impact, but the story of a kid trying to buy his dead dads car has a huge impact on me. For example, hearing about a shooting and seeing a video of the actual shooting has no impact, but the violin scene from titanic fucks me up. If I bully someone I feel genuinely bad if it actually hurts them, if someone is truly nice and I'm a dick to them I feel bad. I am peaceful. I will never hit first. But at the same time, I just wanna take a steel pipe and beat someones skull in. It makes no sense.

I wan't to be in a loving relationships so badly, but I also wanna stay single so I can focus purley on me and not worry about someone else.

Is there a reason i'm like this?