Hey there.

I wanted to ask some advice because I’ve been struggling recently and feel like I’ve really lost myself in a way.

I’m a 23 year old graphic designer and I’m one semester away from graduating college. I deal with anxiety and depression and am seeing a psychiatrist, and soon a therapist as well. Recently I’ve been struggling with my depression more than usual and I feel really disconnected from my creative self and that I’ve lost any drive or happiness in life.

I don’t have a job. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have it that bad, but that I’m a lazy person who possibly just isn’t equipped to make it in the world. Living my life and managing myself on top of relatively demanding classes is already overwhelming for me. Having a job just feels so outside of my capabilities at the moment. My parents have helped me go to college, and while I’m grateful I feel very guilty. I don’t do much and I feel like I just suck money. I really feel like a burden, which makes my depression worse.

All of my design work this semester fell flat and has me really worried about graduating and getting hired somewhere. I’ve been working hard and trying my best, but I feel extremely burnt out and whenever I get a break to rest I get anxious about the work I have to do and don’t fully enjoy the down time. I also just feel like despite my efforts my work just isn’t creative enough and is never executed well enough to be good. It’s gotten really discouraging and has left me feeling really incapable and less worthy than others. I know that I’m “not supposed” to talk about myself like that, but realistically I bring less to the table.

I really enjoy being home and playing video games and consuming a lot of media like YouTube and anime. I feel guilty because that’s all I ever want to do. I don’t mean to be lazy, but I am. I feel I’ve lost my drive and motivation. I don’t choose to draw or design a new logo. I always choose to watch something or play a game. I enjoy doing that more and frankly would rather spend my time that way. So I do. I know it’s selfish and unproductive, yet it’s still what I do. I want to be different, but I don’t know how. I feel like this is who I am, and I don’t know how to be a benefit to anyone or society as a whole. I just don’t feel like I’m doing it right. I really do feel like I’ve been trying to change and to grow. I want to fit in more. I want to be happier. But the past couple months have been hard and I feel like I’ve stopped trying as hard. After not making nearly as much progress as I would like, and the progress I have made hasn’t helped me much. I feel like I’ve lost to will to fake it. :/ So I’ve just been sitting at home. Watching anime and playing video games while I try to figure myself out.

I just feel like I’m not passionate, not meant to hold a job, not creative enough, and I’m lazy. All of this just feels like it adds up to be a burden to others. I really wish I could feel fulfilled and happy working a 9-5 design job or freelancing or something, and I’m sure I will end up doing that. But I don’t think I’m going to be happy in the job or in life until I figure myself out more. I’m tired of just grinning and bearing it, but I just don’t know how to make myself happier and more motivated. I’m just feeling like a failure and a burden despite honestly not having a bad life.

I’m open to constructive criticism and advice. I also really appreciate y’all listening and helping. Thanks so much <3