Let’s preface this with im not currently considering suicide on any level, I just don’t want to be here.

I haven’t wanted to be here since i was 14 and first officially tried to kill myself. My last suicide attempt was at 23 where I stayed up for 3 weeks straight attempting to just make myself drop dead of exhaustion before a friend finally convinced me to go to bed when he finally found out I hadn’t slept in so long, at that point I was barely able to say hi to people anymore deep conversation wasn’t happening at all anymore and I still haven’t returned to “normal” after this attempt.

Last night my now ex gf beat me with a bat because she thought I had attitude in my voice when I really didn’t give a shit about walking her dog at night I love taking our dogs out at any hour of the day (I own a husky and her a Jack Russell) well when I came back in she attacked me with a bat yelling about how disrespectful I am with always making her feel guilty when she asks me to do something just because I’ll take a deep breath when I’m asked or have to do anything that wasn’t planned for that day idk it just helps keep my anxiety under control

I feel like my entire life is just some sick joke. Most my friends are dead and I’m only 32, I got 5 friends of them 2 are in prison for a few more years 1 got sober and the last 2 and I are getting high every weekend on meth and doing art projects all day and night while our dogs play together. I feel like no one can be direct and honest with me. I feel like my life is pointless because I live off disability due to having a brain injury schizophrenia and bi polar. Those 3 things alone makes life so much more difficult it makes life not worth living imo, I don’t date often and when I do it’s always the people willing to compromise the least and with anger issues and shit.

I’m always judged as weird by everyone because no one understands me I just want to be seen heard and understood by someone for once in my life.

My family and I don’t talk to each other anymore because I fought getting psych help for so long because nothing seemed to work for years. Even though now I’m doing well in treatment they abandoned me, I won’t forgive them for abandoning me when I needed help the most. Especially, since the last time I dared ask for a favor from my mother she called me a parasite on society.

Idk I just want to die I’m 32 life has no point to it, my existence is pointless, no one can understand me seemingly, I have trouble communicating with others because I don’t understand them either. How do I continue with nothing next to no one even willing to claim me as a friend much less more than a friend. I got nothing going t for me except I can be around all day and take care of the house and repair it. That’s about it why would anyone want that? So I’m destined to have shit luck be misunderstood and alone all my life that’s great I’m about done with it and don’t want it