My life has been one disaster after another. I selfishly make all the people near me suffer without knowing it until it’s too late. I tried therapy and medication but it’s all just false hope and treading mud for forever. I think I’m getting better and it gives me an excuse to stop working on my marriage. It’s been on the brink of divorce over and over because I’m not getting any better. I don’t feel like I can stay with her in good conscience because I ruined her life and am the source of her trauma. But because of that trauma, I’m also the only person she thinks she has and relies on. I told myself early that I should be single for the rest of my life because I’m nothing but trouble to the people that get close , especially love partners, and I only excel in my professional career, which also is a burden on the relationships. But I still fell in love. I still selfishly continued the relationship. I still hurt them.

I should have killed myself when I had the chance in high school so I didn’t ruin my now-wife’s life and disappoint countless others. But now I am responsible for all this pain and I tried so many times to change and fix the damage I have caused but to no avail and I feel like I am at a dead end with my emotions, my strength, and my will to live.