To the dearest S

If that anonymous person was really you, I apologize for taking so long to reach out. I have many conflicting rumors and hearsayS about you. It makes me worried that something bad has happened to you. I don't understand why you did ask me to leave you alone (and I have.) But talk to me secretly. The person's claiming to be you. I know you don't want any relationship of any kind with me. So why the line of communication? I also know you might actually still hate me. I still love you and I care about you a lot. I used to think about you almost every day. Except this past week or two. I'm going to a heavy stressful times right now. I'm writing out this letter though because I miss you and I wonder if it really is you. There are moments when I'm doing something and for a moment I wondered what's going on in your life. What you are doing in your dailies. How are you. I terribly miss you a lot. I heard a great many rumors about you. I don't know what's true or not. I don't know if you really moved out of state, I don't know if you really went to jail, , I don't know if you still live at your best friend's mom's house or at your dads. I don't know if you got a job and moved into your own place. Maybe a room sharing with your best friend? Did you get into a situationship or fwb? I would love to know. I would love it if you share your worries with me. It is honor to support you in your grief. It brings me purpose to hold you in my arms. It brings me the light to cheer you on as you complete your endeavors. It's not a crime if I'm there to help you take on new challenges. What's wrong with me being there to support you and listen to you. To make your words feel validated.

I let you know if you wanted to get married or stay friends. My intention was to get you back and if not then draw your boundaries and stay friends.I let you know that. How could You misinterpret my intentions? Every time you reach out, I hit you back up as soon as I get the message. Last year, I hit you up and I felt ignored. you put me in a position feeling like second choice and then no choice but still danged hope in my face. That was not fair. The distance grew between us because you didn't seem willing to put effort to change your strategy towards me because you didn't want it. I was told you were convinced it was limerence. If it is limerence, then I know it's not fair for me to be in a relationship or even friendship with someone that has that State of mind towards me. It's not fair that some of those things you asked me just so you can blame me for not being there when communication is a two-way road. It's not fair to blame me for your life falling apart while you were with Joe. It's not fair to say that I am the reason for your addiction whe you were stealing pills before I met you. It's not fair that you broke your promises during our relationship but be angry at me for breaking mine. Did you forget your? Doesn't matter because by breaking up we broke every promise we made and every truth we told eachother became lies. We're both liars.

That November of 021, I gave you a choice, me, the guy you said genuinely cares about your thoughts and opinions. Makes you feel that your aspirations and dreams are chaorished. You wanted to be a music producer, and I was trying to help you. I told you programs to download and you never did. I was trying to be real and show you the reality of our lives. I believed in you. I really do. Unless that dream turns into reality, we were just going to starve on our blessings. I'm sorry I failed at showing you. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I can you send me the right apology letter but a rough draft. I didn't even send it all. I had so much anxiety sending it to you.I know I may never get a reply back from you. I hope I do but there's no expectations. I didn't hear back from you after I sent you a Christmas and New Year's Eve message I just went back to deleting my account... I know you're done. Whatever time limit, whatever efforts I put in were useless. I acted the way I did early in December of last year, because that's how you acted the first time we broke up.

Relationships needs teamwork to solve problems. We were a great team despite our shortncommings.I recognize I was part of the problem. You wanted me to change so I spent the last 2 years changing just for you. As harsh as it sounds I knew it wasn't going to work out between you and him. Remember us talking about it didn't work out we should get back together? I waited for you, I tried move on just in case inwasnwrong but couldn't. And then you came back. And in your own way, you ask me to wait amd i did just for you to ignore me and then ghost me I cannot wait any longer. I will not fight for someone whos words asked me to. And yet, their actions gives me every reason not to put effort in fighting for you. .

By the time you read this, I'll be gone. Disappearing. I lied the last time we talked. I did that to give you a sense of security and comfort. I cannot tell you what I'm about to do to my life. I don't know you like I thought I did. I was wrong about you. And then the other issues... I do know I love you immensely. The amount of remorse and regret hurts a lot. And the painful memories of November 021. And so far the only way to numb that pain, is to give you a hug.

Goodbye for now S.S., you have made a home and then a hole in my heart I WILL MISS YOU FOREVER.

J.L.

P.S. Please unblock me on your YouTube. I can't get to your playlist now and I really like your music. Please.