In another discussion, a redditor was saying that he is perceived as creepy but he doesn't mean it. So I thought it might be interesting to branch the discussion there. What is creepiness? How do can you avoid appearing creepy?

For starters, here's The incomplete guide to not creeping. It focuses on the most abusive and negative parts of creepiness, but what if you're just trying to build a connection with somebody, and you come across as creepy without being a huge asshole, and that other person just opts out from connecting with you?

I analyzed the idea of creepiness and came to the following conclusion: Creepiness is about overestimating your connection to somebody, and doing things which are inappropriate taking into account the level of connection you have. Such things make people uncomfortable, because they signal that you're not respecting their limits (malicious), or you're unaware of what the limits are (socially incompetent).

Example: If I'm discussing sex with a friend, and he / she asks me: "So tell me, do you like receiving oral sex more than giving it, or the other way around?", I don't perceive that as creepy, and I will most probably answer, and the discussion will go on. But if I'm having lunch with a colleague I only know from work, and he / she asks me that, that is out of the line, and creepy. The difference is that with a friend I already have a connection, plus, if we have already discussed sex, that's even deeper connection. With just somebody I know from work, I don't have a connection which would make such a question appropriate.

The same thing which pretty much every creepy act. If you're sitting next to somebody on a lecture, and then you just somehow try to push them to hang out with you, or act as if you're assuming they'll hang out with you, so that they actively need to get rid of you, that's creepy.

I also have to analyze the "arbitrary time constraint" PUA trick (hi /r/seduction folks!), because that actually captures an important aspect of social life. Here's how it works: when you're talking to somebody you don't know, you come up with a time constraint, like "I need to leave in 5 minutes, I have to pick up a friend" (and then really leave). It signals that you're not a creep (= you're not overestimating the connection). You're not trying to hang out with him / her the rest of the day just because you have had a 3 sentence conversation. This makes people more willing to start a conversation with you, because they know that you're not going to make them uncomfortable, and they don't need to actively try to get rid of you.

So if you're unintentionally perceived as a creep, you're probably bad at estimating this level of connection. Note that how comfortable you feel with a person has nothing to do with how comfortable he / she feels with you.

Then, how to build a connection with somebody? You need to start slow, and you shouldn't try to build the connection too fast. There's no magic formula, and this is also very culture dependent. For example, somebody sits next to you on a lecture. You can chit chat a bit, and then leave. The next lecture, you can ask the person if he / she would like to go for a coffee / do exercises together. If not, don't push it. If yes, do that thing, then leave. After that, it's appropriate to do such low-effort connecting thing again. If you discover common interests, you can suggest doing some activities related to them (going to a movie or something).

And with a colleague, an important point is normally when you start hanging out outside work. So first you just chat on a polite, somewhat distant level at work. Then you get to know a bit, and talk about more personal but still politically correct topics ("what did you do on the weekend"). Again, after you've done that for a while, it's appropriate to suggest some low-effort hanging out outside work.

And from an acquaintance to a friend, you can start talking about some personal topics, but you still need to keep it light and positive. It's okay to for example talk about some problems of yours, but nothing too deep or too overwhelming ("omg, my neighbour is so annoying, what should I do about it.." is appropriate). And then you slowly start talking about things you normally don't talk about, stuff that reveals that you're vulnerable, etc.

If you're a creep, you probably fail this process at some point. Maybe you feel way more connected way quicker than other people normally do - once you know it, you can just compensate, and don't do things you feel like doing but whose "required friendship level" is too high. Figure out what is the "required friendship level" for various actions (touching, asking for a number, jokes with sexual innuendo, talking about specific topics). Or just follow the other person's lead, and let them take the steps which will take you to the next friendship level.