I'm looking for creative ways to cheat my brain, which is an abuse cycle. I'm in the 10 years marriage, which recently turned to be abusive with a domestic violence.

According to statistics, abuse victims returns to their abusers about 7 times, before they finally leave.

I have no reasons to believe, that my brain even better is here, that I'm superior, and can break this cycle without trying to cheat my brain. So, I'm looking for help in this sub, to creative ways, how to cheat my brain, to do it in one time.

Just tl;dr about my situation:

First of all, I'm 39 y.old medically transitioned(about 20 years ago) transsexual woman (M >> F), I live in the stealth (in real life pretend, I'm just a female). Not sure if it somehow changes a situation or an abuse cycle, how it works itself. But maybe you don't like people like me, and you can close this thread, and not spend your valuable time. Otherwise, please help me with your creativity and knowledge about cognitive biases, how to cheat my brain.

Don't open what is under spoiler, if you're not sure. There you can find shocking details about domestic violence.

First 7 years everything was perfect, we immigrated in Canada together, and started to build our future, but 3 years ago, my husband radicalized. Initially he was liberal, now he is far right. His behavior dramatically changed. He was a normal person, but now he time to time beats me, when I not agree with him in terms of his new political views. Now he supports MAGA, Xi, Putin, watches Andrew Tate, etc. He never said anything bad about fact, that I'm not a biological girl(probably because if he does it, it makes him gay in his own eyes? What is not good for far-right people?), but he did other terrible things,>! like broke my rib, like used my own pepper spray against me, like cut my arm with a knife, or just beat me without noticeable consequences.!<

We had an agreement (since the time his political values changed) that we don't discuss politics. But he never follows this rule, and always “punish” me if I do break it myself (yes, it were cases) or if he pretend, I break it, not him.

Like other abusers, he is time to time very neat and kind. He also isolated me from my friends.>! I used heavy make up to hide bruises on my face, etc!<. He also did things (I believe intentional) to make me feel shame when we met together with friends. My friends started to ask me questions, what is going on. I started to ghosting them, because I worried if they report him in police. So, I have no real life friends anymore, only online (some of them are former real life friends).

Each time, when I seek for help, a lot of ppl usually suggest reporting him to police. And usually it leads my brain to stop a "rescue attempt" pipeline. I don't want to harm my husband, I want to be alive, but want to see him happy. It's difficult for me to harm somebody, especially him, my an entire life I try to help other people, I volunteered a lot.

I contacted with crisis lines multiple time, but it's not clear how they can help me. With shelter? But what is the difference between shelter and Airbnb? When I volunteered, I was in a shelter for homeless people, and it had a very bad smell. Well, If I have no dollar, probably I'll go to shelter. But how it can help me now? Probably, with a bad smell in shelter, and possible violence, etc I more likely to return to abuser. And he will kill me one day.

I think, my main problem - is my own brain, which is in abuse cycle. I'm looking for creative ways to cheat my brain.

I have one idea, maybe it's really stupid. I think, I can try to date with another guy, my brain will switch "preloaded biological program" to "love story mode", and I can easily escape. But I'm 39 y.old transsexual woman, and despite I'm passing as female, it means nothing: half of mankind passing as female, and still a lot of them are alone. Not sure if any of intellectual masuline guy(which my brain prefers) ever choose me. Most likely, it's mirage. And understanding it, also keeps me in my marriage (like why I need to leave, who I have to care for?). I have an idea, probably adopt a cat or bird, if I manage to leave, maybe it can help my brain to find a purpose of an existence. Or maybe focus on hobbies, like writing my sci-fi novels with love story.

In terms of increasing probability to date with somebody, I think, maybe I can write a python selenium script, attach it to large language model, in order to find somebody, in dating subreddits, more like-minded. Possibly parse okcupid for this goal? Sorry, I think, these ideas just crazy and stupid. And can't work in real life.

I hope, somebody can imagine something better and creative idea how to cheat my brain, because probably it's possible to use knowledge of cognitive biases, and power of technology, to not do same mistakes: return to abuser multiple times. Especially, because he can be angry, and kill me after even the first attempt.