It's almost been a month since I last heard from her. She'd just broken up with me but said she wanted to be friends. I understood why she felt the need to break up though I had hoped we could work through the pain I had caused her. Having left her feeling secondary after a poor decision I made while sleep deprived and overwhelmed, a decision that went against what I wanted to do, and that I wouldn't have made under different circumstances. She hadn't acknowledged that I had hurt her until I reached out, instead she'd just left me on read for two days while I went away unaware of how deeply she'd been affected.

She wanted to talk in person and suggested we do so when I got back and she'd had her holiday, needing space, I obliged, but ended up coming home early from my holiday for other reasons. I texted her to let her know and didn't hear anything. One week later we met up.

I sent her a text after we talked to acknowledge how hard she seemed to take breaking up with me. Part of me still wonders if she hadn't expected me to feel so hurt to have things end, if she had internalised her own belief about what had happened so far that she thought that I really didn't care about her. I had tried to show her how deeply I cared, I heard her feelings but it was too late, in the space that she had asked for she had removed herself from the equation. She told me if she'd known earlier what had been going on for me things might have been different.

When she responded to my text she acknowledged that it had been hard, acknowledged that she needed sometime before she would be ready for friends, cancelled our plans for the next week. I asked if we could check in with each other, offered some options and heard nothing.

That was the last I heard from her and it's hard. I put in so much work to prepare myself for a friendship that I now doubt is ever going to happen. Feel ghosted by someone who had become real important to my life, who said I was important to hers. We had held that we would not ghost or disappear from each other's lives like this, that the other person deserved to know if the relationship would end outright.

I mean what hope is there of friendship when you can't even do a brief check in?

Idk just missing her a whole bunch right now and maybe a month isn't that long for some people but rn it feels like a real long time