TW: Venting, OCD ruminations, homophobia & internalized homophobia, sexuality questioning, self-deprecation, straight-girl crush

ok i just needed to get this out somewhere bc i don't have friends or family i feel like i can confide in.

I've been hanging out more w/ my straight friend (let's call her Cilantro) who i accidentally fell into crushing on when we were on an international trip w a club. Cilantro's so cute, friendly, thoughtful, and matches w my weird almost perfectly! she dresses soft masc and has affirmed multiple times in different ways that she's straight (tbh, some things she says make my "glass closet" radar go off, but that's not my place and im obviously biased so i shake these thoughts off). like she makes jokes abt all the times she's been mistaken for queer, or times when gay girls have flirted w her (or thought she was flirting w them) and it all went over her head. so i've been trying to get over Cilantro! bc it's not gonna happen AND even if there was the faintest <1% chance of anything happening, i for sure would ruin it w/ my distengrating mental health and self-hatred anyway.

well getting over her was working.. for a while! i was starting to see some (v small) flaws and feeling a little less uncomfortable when she made references to being straight.. but then she has the nerve to send me a message unprompted, fucking talking abt "You got a place in my mind" ⁉️ so i double checked: "did u mean to ask me if i have a place in mind [for us to study]?" Cilantro: "no that was def what i meant to say 🙃" FUCK.

and all of a fucking sudden, she's the cutest girl ive ever seen again and i just want to kiss her and run my hands thru her hair until we're both dizzy. even when i feel so anxious that i stutter uncontrollably and start slurring my words, even when i don't make any sense and talk way too much, even when im embarrassing and feeling gross-- she's so kind and genuine and continues to want to be my friend. i miss her immediately when we leave each other, i worry abt her reading my messages and trying to sound funny and trying not to come off too attached, all the pains of one-sided crushing.

Cilantro is so wonderful and silly and opinionated and graceful, and i love her friendship and im so devasted i can never show her romantic affection.. but i want to be ok w that! i want to be fucking mature. how can i be ok w never holding her hand, leaning against her, kissing her cheek, learning everything abt her? how can i be ok when she smiles and chuckles and looks at me like that, when she dresses like that, when she listens to me so carefully and tenderly like that?? the worst part is that she is sleeping soundly thinking none of these things abt me.. it makes me feel pathetic and abnormal

Tangentially related mental health/sexuality confusion oriented vent: my OCD has regained strength, sending me back into cycles of disgusting thoughts and exhausting compulsions to "check" if i like men, check if i could just resign myself and be with one, check if i might actually just be straight/bi and if being w a man might actually feel more authentic, check if im missing out by excluding men from my romantic life, check if i could just be normal.

i think to myself over and over again, "if i could just be straight, then my mom will be there for me again and she could die in peace and my family might begin to heal. if i could just be straight, then i could be a better friend to Cilantro without any reserve and i would stop feeling jealous and she could talk abt boys all the time and she would never notice a thing-- and it would stop hurting so much. if i could just be straight, ppl would see me as normal and i would never have to correct their assumptions and i could finally get into a relationship and i would finally be in w the it girls. if i could really be straight, i could be happy."

i keep checking and checking and checking and im so confused and afraid. and i can't tell what is OCD or real emotions for men or false circular justifications to hold onto the lesbian label or fear of being wrong and having blown up my family for no fucking reason. if i could just be straight, if i could just allow myself to enjoy men's bodies, if i could just stop being so perverted and unnatural and fucked up, if i could just be normal! maybe then i might finally feel like i deserve anything good at all

i can't tell what's true or not anymore. im clearly back in my regular cycle of depression and spiraling but do i even want to get better? do i deserve to feel anything good at all? don't i just make everyone's life intolerable just by being in it?

i hope this post doesnt get deleted, even if no one else's eyes ever falls on it. thank u for reading if u have.