I'm 24f, I recently realized I've gay, and I've never been with a woman. But I had sex when I was 22, with a guy, and it was really humiliating and I'm having deep deep regret for it.

I was really unsure, but he kept asking and asking and I was really upset and emotional and insecure because I was rejected by this other guy, I couldn't stand up for myself, then I was horny, then I was unsure what to do, I was scared and every time he touched me, I would jump and scoot away, then I shamed myself for being a late bloomer and never going to college, and I just ended up having sex because I thought I was finally doing something for myself.

I thought he was just helping me out, but the next time I seen him, he told me I was easy. I then realized I didn't even know him for more than a month. I didn't know him at all and I was confused, insecure, emotional and ashamed of myself, and that feel just got so much worse.

I really wanted my first time to be special. I told myself it would be, because every guy I dated wanted to take my virginity. I think I keep dwelling on it because I felt like I had no control over any of it. I keep thinking about it, I can't move on, I can't date because I just think about that. I can't fantasize because I think about that. I just blame myself because I chose to do it. I didn't care for myself.

I have really low self esteem, and my therapist isn't helping. she doesn't understand why I can't just let it go, and neither can I.

I don't know how to be excited about sex or dating. I just feel like I'll look stupid, desperate, annoying, or boring. I just hate myself.