an open letter about losing my love, and finding myself.

one year ago today, I was back in a relationship that was bad for me. (for the second time) I was with someone that at one point, I had seen myself marrying in the future.

but, love is blind, as they say. there were many things that I didn’t see.

I was giving every bit of spare energy that I had to someone who didn’t see me or appreciate my efforts.

I was begging them to see me for who I was and love me anyway. I was begging to be enough for them, despite my struggles and my pain. I was twisting and stretching myself thin to appease them.

because at one point, we loved each other. at one time, they were my person. I was so convinced that if I just did enough, then somehow things would right themselves.

they left me a month later. they told me that I wasn’t enough, and our efforts to rekindle weren’t working. and I waited for the visceral pain I felt the first time we broke up, but it never came.

I was so focused on “fixing things.” or fixing us, I guess. that I didn’t see that I had spent so long feeling unworthy and less than. I was actually relieved when they cut us both loose.

I have learned a lot of hard lessons in this life, but I learned more about myself in 2024, than I ever have before.

I have spent my whole life chasing the approval of a woman who could never (and would never) accept me for who I am. I hacked myself apart, trying to fit into the boxes of her neat little life. and it was never enough.

it’s been years since I freed myself from the expectations of my mother, but this year I learned that I carry those wounds with me still.

I chased the love of a woman that was never right for me. because that is all I have ever known. the love of a woman who breaks me, and complains about my jagged bones.

the chase is a piece of me, engrained since childhood. a piece that I can’t part with. but this year, I learned to chase myself. I learned to explore every corner of my own mind, to try new things, and old interests too.

I run freely, learn boldly, and love myself consumingly, because that is who I am.

and I am enough. I always was.