I'm feeling very conflicted about my relationship. We've been together for a year and a half and I feel like I'm (28) no longer with the woman (41) I started this relationship with. She's so distant. Our sex life took a dramatic change about a year ago when she changed jobs last December. That was the first thing to change. She stopped being outwardly affectionate, she stopped saying sweet things to me, and I had already developed a predisposition to expect her to flake on our plans or show up hours late, but that was something that started early on.

Well, not too long ago I couldn't take the anxiety of all the recent changes and regrettably snooped through her phone. I have no intention of encouraging snooping. It's not something I condone and I feel so bad for doing it. But what I found was messages between her and a new coworker wherein they called each other baby, sweetness, boo thang, pookie... And the messages were from nearly six months prior in February..She said "may I call you?" Then corrected herself with "may I ring you? 😊" Then, suddenly after this weird text exchange they were going at length telling one another how much they appreciate the other's friendship, and thanking for being such a good friend. One day a month or so ago I went to her work and on her desk was a note that said "for my sweet friend" with a heart drawn on it. She denied having anything to do with that woman and they're just friends but I just can't stop thinking about it. She takes smoke breaks with coworkers but only tells me when it's men, she only tells me when she makes plans with her mom or men but asks other women to hang out all the time. She doesn't text her female coworkers anymore to come smoke either, she calls them. Her female friends are allegedly straight but they do things like stand in the hallway trying to dance sexy at a party and stare at her while doing it until she looks. Her stance when I mention anything bothering me is "I'm not going to let anyone take my friends from me" and I feel like she dismisses what I'm experiencing. She doesn't compliment me at all. She blames her ex wife for some reason. I bought lingerie the other day and actually felt really sexy in it but all she said was "I really like the color." The same day she told me I have toe thumbs when I was trying to show her how much my nails have grown and said "I didn't realize you were so sensitive" when it hurt my feelings. She practically lives with me but won't help with the bills because she doesn't want to benefit my housemates.

All this, and yet, I can't bring myself to leave her. She says everything is fine when I try to communicate and try to find the root of whatever is going on. When she's here I forget how I've spent all day festering on whether or not to leave her and I switch right back to pleaser mode. I yearn for her. I want to touch her and smell her cologne and admire her and snuggle and tell her all the ways I adore her.. Them within an hour I feel like it's pointless and I should just give up. She'll come to me when she's ready, maybe I'm just being too much.. But she doesn't until she realizes I'm upset which is usually when I'm about to flip my lid.

The way we were was so good. We were coworkers when we met and she was so sweet to me. We started out hiking and one day she kissed me. It was the most intense, tender kissing and we made love that night. Now she just gives me a peck here and there if I come to her for it. She hugs me back but doesn't approach. Sometimes I feel like she rushes through sex with me and fakes it but won't tell me that I'm doing anything wrong if I ask. We used to be completely breathless by the time clothes came off but I kinda feel like she's going through the motions now. I'm afraid of staying and nothing changing or it all getting worse, I'm afraid of leaving her and it was just work stress the whole time and things could have gone back to normal. I'm also kinda scared that it's too late for me to go back into dating. I'm not very outwardly attractive and I'm generally fearful of others.

I guess I know in my heart that the relationship is over but I just want her so much. I ache for her. At the same time, I feel a distinctly similar yearning for other butch women that I encourage in my daily life. They make my body ache.. I can't make myself feel like I'm not being selfish and hasty in leaving but I sit and wonder why I do this to myself...