Hi friends, this is going to be an extremely long post, so if you ignore it, I can totally understand. If you could just answer what I ask in the title, it would be great.

I feel kind of bad posting about my own struggle now because I know something huge has just happened in America… but this morning I woke up not knowing if my heart was beating or shattering, so please forgive me, but I really need to vent…

Also, I’m bi so I thought about posting in a bi subreddit, but according to my observation, people here are just more loving and considerate, so I decided to post here. Hopefully it’s not inappropriate to do so; please delete if it is. I don’t like to post because I am quite shy and generally don’t like to attract attention, but i can’t think about anything else and I just feel so much pain, so here goes the story I wish to tell:

I went to a Catholic girls’ high school for middle and high school. At around the age of 13 I joined an after-school program, one of my classmates joined as well, who is going to be the protagonist of this story; let’s just call her L.

We began talking and had dinner together before the class twice a week. The conversations went very well. I felt like I had never had such good conversations with someone, so I asked her if she would want to hang out outside of school sometimes. She answered, “oh right now if I have time, I always spend it with who and who (who were considered popular and cool girls among my classmates.) so this is pretty much the only time I can hang with you. I just want to be very honest to avoid future troubles.” and I thought, “hm, really? You can never ever spend any day with me, like one Saturday in six months???” But well, I also could understand how important it was for teenagers to hang with cool kids, so I didn’t judge and thought I would just hang with other girls.

I should also mention that I had had pretty bad experiences with girl drama during elementary school, so in middle I school I decided not to belong to any girl groups merely to feel more socially secure; I would rather be a lone wolf and build genuine friendships.

So time went on; we eventually both dropped out of the program and grew apart. I went on with my life and fell head over heels in love with another girl who I thought also had feelings for me and who turned out didn’t. It was the first time I really loved someone and I had loved her for two years, so when I found out it had all been in my head, it almost destroyed me. I lived in denial and had an identity crisis for a year, not knowing who I was, not knowing what to believe. I was extremely rebellious and became the target of all teachers. I was a goth kid too, dressing in all black for the whole year.

A year later when I was 16, and middle school ended and high school began, I became fed up with being called to the office and yelled at everyday so decided to repent and be a good kid again. I don’t even know how but I also had finally accepted that the heartbreak had been real but it hadn’t broken me, I was still so young and there was a lot to look forward to in my life.

So I went on with my high school life, feeling bored out of my ass most of the time, and then one day me and L by chance chatted again. I still remember where it took place; it was in a garden-ish area of the campus. We again had an amazing conversation; I still felt like it was the best conversation ever and this time she felt it too. And I think she had finally realized it was much more important to hang with someone she could talk to than someone who was popular; so we started hanging out all the time, during recesses, lunch time; and we would skip classes together. And then a miracle happened; I truly believe it was; I found, through another friend, a beautiful, secluded place - a newly-built subway station near another high school; it was meant to be a recreational area for the community, but for some reason, very few people utilized it during that time. So it became our favorite hanging out spot. Often, after school, we would buy some food and head for the station, eating and chatting for hours. And words cannot describe how beautiful that place was; it had this long promenade lit up by elegant lamps, an area where it looked like a small golf course with the artificial grass, the artistic benches, well-trimmed bushes, etc.

Once, the moon that night looked so big from that place I was shocked! I asked L, "hey, is that the moon or a lightbulb from a lamp?" She stared at it and said, "I think it's the moon." "Wow! It is the moon, isn't it?" It just seemed like even the universe wanted to make things more romantic for us. Where I come from, it's hard to see the moon being so big. I had never seen one before and have never since. It really was just there for us! I will never ever forget that night!

But the station, the moon, were all just the background and the scenery; what was the most amazing was that we always, always, without even one exception, had wonderful conversations. We could be talking about the saddest thing and it would turn into the most interesting and profound thing ever! I loved her logic, the way she talked; she was so smart and always made things easy for me to get (it felt like a very good digestion lol). And she was the first one (and the last) to really understand me; she never judged me for anything; and we agreed on so many things! It was crazy! There was never a time when I said something and she wouldn't respond with something along the lines of "I get it" ," I feel the same", "that is true," and then follow up that response with the proofs why she agreed. There was no limit and no boundary to what we could talk about. And it was the first time that I cared about someone who cared about me equally; we both knew we were special to each other. Once I told her, "I'm not the kind of person who can make her friends happy." She looked at me with utter surprise.

And I think because we both had had the experience of being the more devoted one in our previous friendships, so it just seemed so precious when we were on the same level of devotion to each other. One summer she had gone out of town for a summer camp, which happened during her birthday. But I wanted to give her something when she came back anyway, so one afternoon, with another friend, I went to the most fashionable area in the city and scoured the whole place for the perfect gift. "This is the most important person in my life!" I thought. I didn't have enough money so I even tried to get out the money stored in my bus pass; the lady told me I would lose the whole pass if I wanted to get all the money out; I think I really just gave her the pass the get all the money. I then purchased the new album of her favorite singer and then borrowed money from my friend to take the bus home. When she was back, I was so happy that we talked on the phone for one and a half hour with the result of me being slapped by my dad twice on the same cheek (why not alternate between the two, dad? It would have hurt less). A few days later, we met in our favorite restaurant. I wanted to give her the gift but was afraid she might have gotten the same thing already. So I kept asking her, "did you buy anything since you came back? Did you receive anything?" She kept reassuring me she hadn't bought anything other than daily necessities. So I finally gave her the gift; and she was so happy and surprised. "I haven't been able to get it! I have been thinking I am a bad fan (to her favorite artist)."

On my birthday, she had arranged a very elaborate birthday surprise, in which after doing some stuff, we went back to her place, and she out of nowhere blew a whistle and my other friends jumped out and threw water ballons at me. And when I was soaking wet, they gave me the gift - a new outfit. It was really fun, but truth be told I would have been happier if it had been just the two of us. I can't remember exactly what happened afterwards but i think in the end it was only us in her place. I cherish the memory though. She was a genius to arrange that.

In short, everything was absolutely perfect, except for one thing - we weren't really physically attracted to each other; she was absolutely beautiful, but we were too feminine for each other; we were both attracted to people more on the masculine side; so it could never have worked. However, despite that, the connection was seamless; my heart was so full and things were making sense to me like they never had; I had more confidence than ever; and I felt safe and valued; it was then that I realized how miserable I had been before she came into my life.

Once on the way home, I was on the bus and felt asleep; I dropped my phone and it slid to the very back of the bus and was buried in the dark; I asked the guy sitting beside me to call my phone so I could find it. He did and saved my number. We started talking, but I soon realized the conversation was far far far worse than that I had with L. I debated with myself and came to the conclusion that... I would have plenty of opportunities to have boyfriends once I went to college, but I could only fully have L now when we were both locked in this simple little world of a girls' high school; besides, I was finally happy! I had been waiting to be happy for so long! It would be utterly foolish to let it go. So I stopped talking to that guy. I told L my decision, but didn't tell her she was the reason for it. I merely said, "he lives far; it would be too inconvenient." She was shocked that I let go of such a chance (the guys was pretty cute). But to this day I don't regret that decision.

So yeah, we had one happy day after another for two years. I kept thinking it would have been great if we could have made something romantic out of it. And she did once jokingly said, "you can be my wife if you want." I didn't answer. I thought she was the only person on earth that shouldn't joke about that. Our connection was so good that she confidently said, "we will never part our ways; we will be like this forever!" And at that moment I sincerely believed so. Once I had something stuck on my forehead, she was trying to take it off so our faces were very close, and I looked into her eyes and pondered if there could be anything between us; but no, I knew there couldn't be.

I had a PCHome blog, and every time me and L had had a great time together, I would post an entry and talk about the whole experience. She was my muse. At grade 12 the stress from studying was quite overwhelming, and as an outlet, I began to write my first lesbian story. I wrote quite a lot but didn't finish because I was still too immature and impatient.

And then I turned eighteen and was about to leave the country. She made me a huge card, on which she said "you once said 'I am not the kind of person who can make her friends happy,' but meeting you is the happiest thing in my life." We tried to spend as much time together as possible when it was getting close to my departure. We went to all our usual hangouts, went to the beautiful station. She asked me at one point, "do you have the card I gave you with you?" I said I did. (can't understand how. it was such a huge card. How did I carry it with me???) and she said, "maybe I will write my number and my email on the back of the card, you can call me or write to me when you get there." I said, "do you have a marker? Coz I had it laminated."

One day she slept over at my place. I guess she didn't have a very deep sleep because it wasn't her place. So in the morning she woke me up and told me it was time to get up. I saw that she was already in the uniform and a thought popped into my head, "this is how it feels like to wake up beside the person that cares the world about you and means the world to you."

And then it was the day before I was going to leave; we did all our usual things; it felt weird because i didn't know how to behave, but we had a good time nonetheless; at night we tried to stay up as late as possible. We watched a few movies, one of which was a lesbian movie; there was a love scene. I kept covering my eyes saying, "oh! I can't look at this!" She said, "well we can skip this part." I said, "no! If it's in there we have to watch it!" She didn't object so we watched the whole thing.

In the morning we had breakfast, again she had arranged my other friends to come and send me off. I appreciated that but really the only person that mattered there was her.

Living in different countries, we tried to stay in touch at first, emailing back and forth; but it didn't feel the same; it wasn't the same when we couldn't see each other. More importantly, I really wanted to have someone who was her but of a version that I could spend the rest of my life with. And it became hard to think that someone with whom I had such a perfect connection could only be so close to me. I thought about her every day every night, sometimes with tears and trembling, yet I couldn't and didn't know how to keep our friendship alive. I just couldn't. Life was different now. We were adults. It wasn't the simple world of a girls' high school anymore. I needed more. And at the time, I was quite hopeful that I could find the right type of L out there.

I didn't. I went on with my life, struggled with mental illness, posted tons of blog entries about her. I didn't care if I dated a guy or a girl, but it never worked out between me and a girl. I didn't try to focus on girls but the girls that I met that there could possibly been something between us all had someone when I met them, or were freshly broken up, or the vibe just wasn't right. So I dated a few guys, none of them could take L's place and it was killing me inside. After a while I began to think maybe L really was the one and only soulmate I could ever have; I tried to lower my standards; and since I was quite religious at that time, I thought, "well, just marry a decent guy and be a good Christian wife and spend the rest of your life like that." It didn't work. I couldn't really stand being religious. And not having the connection with L in my life continued to stab me inside day after day. That emptiness never ceased ever since the day L said goodbye to me in front of my old place. And it only got worse over time as I felt more and more like an alien on earth. Everyday a little bit of me died and I became weaker and weaker.

At one point I ordered a heavy round pendant, in remembrance of the miraculous night we saw the gigantic moon together. I thought wearing it would feel like having her with me and make me feel less lonely.

So some explanation might be required before we move forward with the story: during teenage and my early twenties, I was very much attracted to women (had a crush on a far cousin once. OMG), but probably because nothing happened and I became religious, so in my late twenties that side of me subsided; even when I wasn't so religious anymore, I still thought it would be much convenient to be with a guy than a woman.

All right, let's move on with the story.

We never completely lost touch though we are never that close again. Once I went back to my home country and she introduced me to her boyfriend; she said I was her “very special friend.” And once we chatted briefly online. I asked her how she was and she said she was doing well, but was still hoping to find someone she could talk about everything with. It sounded like she was referring to me; I was touched and felt bad for not being able to be that person anymore, but like I said I couldn’t bear having a friendship with her that couldn’t go further. We still have each other’s IG; I am still on her list of close friends though we don’t really talk. I rarely post anything but if I do, she always reads it. She is pregnant and going to be a mom soon.

The card she gave me when I left is still hung on the wall in my current place. I look at it whenever I feel lonely or weak.

A few years ago, I got really sick, couldn't really go anywhere; so I picked up a hobby, which was rewriting lyrics of pop songs, and once it was done I would always sing that song with my lyrics. Most of the lyrics I wrote were inspired by L. I sent all the lyrics to my mom and she once said, "it's about L again! Can't you write about something else?" (I tell my mom everything; she knows better than anyone how important L is to me.) I wrote more than 40 lyrics during those few years and probably half of them are inspired by her. Let's just say she's the base of my philosophy; maybe this is the best way to put it. And during that time the sadness, loneliness, and emptiness still hurt me everyday; when it was really bad, I would feel like a whirlpool of black water was churning in me and swallowing me up. It was so painful I wondered how I hadn't died yet, and then I realized, it was a death that would never finish dying. This went on until one day, I had a complete breakdown; and I think it was so bad that my brain had to squeeze out a way for me to keep on living. I felt a sense of calm I had never felt before.

So I began to function better; my health got better and I met my current boyfriend. I was very into him at first, and with my new self, I really felt things would work out between usIt became rough pretty soon; we fought a lot; but with some work on both sides, we somehow made it better. (I also told him I had been into women and still found women attractive from time to time. He said it was fucked up but we stayed together.); I could distinctly tell he couldn't replace L, but I had given up on finding another her. I thought to myself, " as long as this relationship isn't too bad, let's just spend the rest of our life this way." So it was like that for more than two years; it was not ideal, but I never felt tempted to seek another guy; as far as I was concerned, what I had with my boyfriend was all I needed from a guy - just bearable.

But then something happened. I was chatting with a client of mine and was reminded of the lesbian story I had in mind when i was in high school (not the one I actually wrote down), so I began working on it. And the more I worked on it, the more I felt the side of me that desired women were being reawakened. And I had so many ideas for this story! I had attempted to write love stories between a man and a woman and it had always been hard for me to feel inspired. But now with this lesbian story, the ideas are so many, it's kind of scary! It's almost like the story actually happened and they want me to tell the world their story.

So I have been ecstatically working on my story for the past several months; it was pure happiness at first, but as I got more and more into the story, L came back to haunt me; all the longing for that bond returned and returned with vengeance! I feel the loneliness and emptiness gnawing at me constantly (except for when I work on my book; I am so invested that I can hardly think about anything else). How beautiful it was, really! That is the most beautiful thing ever, what we had! I played the songs on my playlist, and so many of them were the ones of which the lyrics I had adapted into the L version. I had given up on lyric-writing for I didn't think it would go anywhere; but two weeks ago I heard Billie Eilish's Birds of a Feather at work and that song began to haunt me. I couldn't stop listening to it and I felt the only way I could stop was if I came up with my version of lyrics for it; so I spent one full afternoon working on that, and of course, the lyrics are about L. And ever since then, it has been exactly like before, all love songs I hear remind me of her, of what we had. Now I'm haunted by "Die with a Smile," which I will probably have to work on one day if I want to stop the obsession, and I already know the lyrics are going to be about L still.

It is never going to end. She's a part of me... she has been my muse for too long. And as painful as it is to be hung up on her, it is also the most beautiful thing to think about... it is the most surreal, ethereal, unbelievable thing but also the most real thing at the same time. It was then that I felt the most alive. I remember so much of our story and I will never get tired of telling it, as this is what I have been doing for the past 17 years; every platform I had used (MSN, Facebook) is filled with my writing about L. I don't recall too much of what happened between me and my ex-boyfriends. Like if something triggers me I will recall what happened, but I will never reminisce about it.

So the loneliness and emptiness came back with all the beautiful memories. I write in my journal that right now finishing the book is the mission of my life, and if I had to be lonely forever to finish it I would do it; all I ask is the sad feelings be bearable. I strongly believe in an afterlife, and if I have to wait till the next life to find the right L, I am fine with it (it better on the level of awe-inspiring if I have to wait till the next life). But wouldn’t it be great if I could have a kindred spirit and we inspired each other and wrote better stories together; it would be better than me being sidetracked by love songs and having to rewrite the lyrics all the time.

Well, maybe I should talk more about my situation with my boyfriend; it’s’ a confusing one for sure. He is very very good to me now, because he is very afraid of losing me… I have tried to break up with him 2-3 times; I told him I am bi. He said, “does that affect me?... oh I might be fine with you being with a girl; we can have a threesome.” But later he said no it’s cheating. He also said, “I thought you were done with being a lesbian!” I explained to him I had mentioned I was still attracted to women when we started dating. He said, “it’s that book you’re writing! You have turned into another person since that book!” I agreed with him, but it was not like the book changed me, but the book brought me back to who I really am.

I didn’t tell him we should break up coz I’m a lesbian now, because a part of me can’t be sure if a male who can make me feel like how L did appears, I won’t be swayed; I probably will be. I would do anything to feel what me and L had (except for giving up my book). But I have been watching lesbian porn, and I never watched porn before because I couldn’t stand the sight of males in it (I didn’t realize this. I just thought I couldn’t stand porn in general.) Once my boyfriend suggested we watched porn together to spice things up, during which he asked me if I felt anything; well I only felt disgust. When I told him I’ve been watch lesbian porn (and he knew I had never watched porn), he just joked, “then I will start watching gay porn.”

It’s patently obvious that this relationship won’t last; and it shouldn’t because it’s unfair to him. The last time I tried to break up with him, he looked so devastated that it really killed me to see that. He cried and I cried too. I told him (and I thought this would surely push him away), “you’re not my soulmate; and it’s not your fault! There has only been one person who could get me and that was 17 years ago…” But he looked too sad; so we didn’t break up eventually; a few days later he read a passage from a book to me which explained the concept of “soulmates don’t exist.”

So sorry for writing so much. I wonder how many people actually finished reading this short story. I’m exhausted from writing it. It really does make me feel better now that I have vented. Thank you, the ones who read the whole thing! You’re the best and I love you!