For context I'm 27F who's also into women. So for starters that already weird and unusual.

The reason I ask is because all of my romantic relationships fail due to my poor choices and behaviors. Most recent one I was an abusive alcoholic and said and did awful things during our relationship. Name calling, being aggressive in general, lying about stupid things. The works. I've since gone to rehab and started taking medication to combat those things. Knowing I am not a good person worth love anymore I think paying for an escort from time to time will have to be my option.

I don't want to hurt anyone emotionally again in my life but I also know dating is not an option because I am not a good partner to have in general and I'd be a burden to someone else.

Is this too desperate?