I've always known I was a lesbian. But, due to comphet, I spent six years of my early 20s married to a man due to religious pressure from my conservative, religious family. The threat of being disowned was enough for me to abandon my authenticity for quite a while. It was horrible. Mentally, sexually, painful & horrible.

Now that I'm finally out of that relationship and community, I was hoping to finally live authentically and perhaps meet a woman. However, the apps are dry as hell.

I downloaded Hinge and Her and only was able to go one date, which ended with her "only seeing me as a friend." Water under the bridge. I also hang out in a lot of queer spaces, but no one seems to notice me (perhaps because I "look straight" - v femme, no tattoos, I dress pretty "hippy". I am going to get a lavender tattoo on my arm next week, but I doubt that'll make a difference.)

It's weird bc, although I'm 31, I'm fit, have lots of hobbies and interests, am pretty easy-going, people say I'm attractive, get lots of attention from men, but idk, nothing from women, which is completely OK. But I still feel like a fraud. Like, my parents were right and "I don't belong in this lifestyle."

Soooo, anyway, I've given up on my sapphic dreams. That's easier than continuing to hope. There's nothing worse than wanting a lifestyle SO BAD, but being kept from it always. Perhaps the universe just does not intend for it to happen to me, so that's why it's been withheld for much of my life and I'm learning to accept it.

I'm never going back to men though. I'd rather be dead. That is not an exaggeration. So, anyway, I will just live vicariously through all of y'all!

Rant over.