Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this. I just had to get it off my chest. I think what I mostly need is a bit of hope. I have recently turned 35. Last year someone came into my life out of the blue and made me feel things that I have never felt before. She was gone almost as quickly as she had come into my life. But never have I felt so seen by anyone. Never so wanted.

Whatever this was, it was nothing healthy. After only a short time we met. it all went intimate pretty much immediately. Untypical for me. But with her, it all felt just right. Suddenly all these romantic movies etc. made sense. Maybe for the first time. I can still remember her smell and warmth. 6 months later. But there was this other side all of a sudden. It was like a switch that turned. She went cold and distant. I panicked. Because I had been at a similar point once. I confided all my fears into her, that I was so afraid to wake up as it felt too good to be true. Her reply will always haunt me: “You will never wake up, beautiful.“

Shortly after I was trashed. She visited one last time. When I picked her up at the airport (long distance), she was suddenly so cold and weird. I kept my distance as I was highly confused, still we ended up being intimate. Before she flew home, she kissed me too. Shortly afterward I found out that she had a girlfriend... My whole world was crushed that day. It was not only the heartbreak, but also the betrayal on top. She betrayed me with all her fake promises but also cheated on her gf. She claimed from the start that she was traumatized, especially by her last (according to her abusive) relationship, and that everything she wanted was just a safe place in this world. A home. I felt the same. And she made me believe that we had a chance. 24/7 she was somehow here. In the end, she trashed me like garbage. I tried to confront her, she ghosted me for 5 weeks. Then reappeared, we had a phone call, she cut me off with „sorry, talk to you later“. Instead of talking ever again, she started to plaster all social media with photos of her and her gf.

I have a history of depression. I had just been significantly better until I met her. She knew it all... She gave me safety. Just to trash me eventually. I wasn’t even worth the truth or a closure. I never told her that I had found out and she just told me she couldn´t do this at the moment, but we would stay „minimum friends“. I know that she was not a good person... but I am honestly scared. Scared that I will never feel like this again. That I will never be able to make myself so vulnerable again. My past relationships were not the most healthy ones. My last one (5 years ago) was with someone who was quite avoidant, so we never made things official. After that I had mostly bad experiences dating-wise. Then she came into my life... it was like hitting the jackpot. She was the first person who held my hand in public, who wouldn’t hide me.

Now I am left with a deep fear of always staying alone. I have no idea how to trust ever again. I went down into deep depression again (I am in therapy). I can’t tell anyone which thoughts crossed my mind. I don’t want to give up. But it is hard. Now this deep loneliness has caught me again and before she left she had made sure to tell me „you are alone anyway.“ She was a horrible person. But what if she was right? I don´t want to spend my entire life lonely. I do enjoy being on my own, but loneliness has taken its toll on me in the past years as I hardly have any family, and friends have their own lives too. Somehow she took all hope with her. I am not the youngest anymore. It feels like I can´t even believe in love anymore. Or genuine people.