I'm 45 and dating in Portland, OR. I'm not at all possessive, and have never minded if someone seeks company outside of a relationship, but my own heart is monogamous.

Im able to express intimacy quite easily, but I suppose you could say I'm "demi" in that the nature of my attraction to women is mental and emotional.

It honestly makes dating a bit difficult at times. The vast majority of women I see are already perfect. So if all I have to go on is a set of pictures and a job title / location it's hard to know if it would fit.

I'm trying very hard to move on with my life after a long term relationship that has run its course.

I'm also trans. I transitioned quite some time ago, and I don't think it was a huge problem in my youth. I remember the first time I told a woman I liked, decades ago, she just shrugged and said "Cool. Hey want to rub my head it's good luck?" (Lol.. she had a buzz cut).

Going back into dating now, I worry I'm hitting some brick walls. I don't know if my style is the thing (I'll attach some pics..), my age, or if being open about my past is a showstopper.

Unfortunately, most my close trans friends are straight and some are... rather misogynistic. Last night one actually told me "Women don't even have a sexuality, it's just self referential" and also "Cis women don't orgasm". Which... you know... ffs... my experience has been that gay sex is pretty easy.

One said to me she doesn't understand why I even tell people "Who would know anyway?" (I have an intersex condition .. 5'7"... I guess I fly under the radar sometimes... the other details dont matter). But everyone has preferences. I'd rather not waste my time and theirs if trans is an issue. But the "cis women hate us" rhetoric has started to get to me. That plus a very long, sexless relationship (which included cheating with guys) has murdered my self-esteem.

So ... I suppose I'm wondering if trans on my profile is hurting me? Genital preference is entirely valid, so maybe... errr... that status gets assumed but... the rest is fine?

Or is it just a rough dating pool? Especially for someone my age? I worry most people have already found their person.

For my own preferences.. I suppose I've always gotten along well with women somewhere along the butch spectrum. But I'd say that isn't physical. I just tend to bond with people over interests and "fun stuff" and past relationships seem to have veered in that direction?

I'm into gardening, reading, tarot, music, art, woodworking, making jewelry. I'd rather play ping pong or mini golf than sit at a restaurant. I'm also a city girl. Also... I dont think I register as having any sexual energy. I can do "cute" or "sweet" but I was never "hot". I'm trying to work on that.

I do have some hangups about bisexuality and poly (with men) that come from past experience. I know that's probably unfair, and it does seem to cover a very large chunk of the dating pool.

I have had a good deal of success with other trans women. But... well... I keep seeing a disconnect about certain things... That having been said, someone's agab is irrelevant to me.

I also seem to get likes and messages from women in their 20s. Granted, that should depend on the person not an age. But I have hard time seeing how that would work.

Is dating in your 40s just... crappy? Is the trans thing being up front a red flag? Is it acceptable to just not say that so people don't assume it means certain things? Is there a good way to handle that one? The vast majority of trans women I know just date each other, but I don't mesh well with the t4t scene here (for reasons I won't get into.. but trust me it's not transphobia of my own)

Should I try to go to local bars or events?

I also have conversations that just seem to die on the operating table. It's so hard to keep driving convos if 90% of all you know is the person looks cute and says they're gay. And I definitely have grown some anxiety thanks to negative straight friends.

I'd honestly be thrilled just to make platonic lesbian friends. I suppose "lesbian" shouldn't matter there, it would just be nice to get away from the negativity.

Also - I've attached pics I use on dating apps. Does any of this work? I know it's a taste thing... plus, you know, Im from Portland. I don't take pics explicitly for apps so they're all... pretty ad hoc randomness... should I?

"Take better pictures" or "the vibe is off" or "I don't dig the goth stuff" or "Trans would be a no for me" are all completely valid things to say. I'm sincerely looking for feedback.

Sorry for so many pics I'm just trying to see what works... I guess... maybe try some new approaches idk...

Getting... despondent lately...

Thanks for your feedback and please don't be shy to provide valid criticism!