I've been living with my ex for the past five years. I have to say I fell for her almost immediately. She was a brilliant creative who did live 3D/VR performance pieces, street art, and produced drum and bass music. We were introduced by a mutual friend who asked if I could help support her for a case regarding our mutual, and very insane, ex girlfriend.

She was dark and intense, willowy with dark hair and large, beautiful brown eyes. As we came to know one another, the cloud of said crazy ex departed and gave way to a bright, kind woman with a quick and cynical sense of humor.

We slept together the second time we met and moved in the same week. I poured every last ounce of energy into a relationship I sincerely felt would be my last. I remember thinking "We can save for a home and build a life now. I'm safe. I finally found her".

I worked 80 hour weeks and saved everything I could. I knew she was an artist and it would be a difficult path, but I didn't want her to give up on her dreams. But the bedroom froze almost immediately, and the dynamic quickly settled into one where I took care of everything. Cooking, cleaning, money, etc.

I was so burned out from past relationships, I was ready to do anything to make it work. I blamed myself for the lack of intimacy. She said I didn't make her "feel safe", or that I always picked the wrong time, or that she felt sick. I told myself "this is on me"

We fought, but I always blamed myself. If I brought up a concern, or stood my ground about sharing responsibilities, she would shut down completely. She'd refuse to speak a word, or simply walk away and pretend I was a ghost. I felt "punished" routinely for anything that made her uncomfortable and settled into a pattern where I just took care of her.

I didn't want to be alone. She only had male friends, and one in particular liked to come over often. I was completely sure they were sleeping together, but any time I broached the subject she told me I was insecure and being stupid, that she didn't like men anyway. He slept at the house a few nights, was at Christmas, they went on a vacation together (alone), and a number of times she didn't come home or let me know where she was.

Roughly a year ago, I got a text from a mutual (guy) friend. They sent me screenshots of conversations with my giirlfriend. They said some nasty stuff about me. They were also sexting.

Confronted with the screenshots, she picked up her stuff and left for two months and wouldn't answer any texts.

Since then, we made up. She has her own place but she's been staying here. She sleeps in the bed with me almost every night. She's affectionate, as she always was. Hugging and nuzzles. We never kissed.

Not long ago, I got another text, this time from the first guy who told me they were having sex.

She finally said she doesn't like women at all, but she loves me. Her and a mutual friend basically said I can't blame someone for having their own sexuality, etc, and the narrative became one where.. I was loved deeply and... why would I throw away this bond over an aspect of our relationship that wasn't really there in the first place.

For some time she's encouraged me to date and said I should "go take care of what you have to". That she'll always be here, etc.

I still take care of all the house work, I brush her hair, I clean and fold her laundry, I hug her and make her laugh and feel beautiful. She hasn't done a birthday for me in 5 years. I broke down crying recently that I feel so invisible and unwanted and she got angry. Her friend told me I'm too emotional.

I don't know if I can handle it any more and I'm not sure what to do. We have been through a lot together.

I still love her. I don't know how to "flip the switch" and just... see her as my best girl friend or sister. Just feel.. how she does.

I try to talk about all of this and she immediately jumps to "so you want me to go?" And grabs her bag. I... always wind up saying "No its okay I just want to talk". I try to set boundaries and she does the same. Then the fear of her being gone for good wells up and I back down immediately.

Idk how to let go. Idk if I should let go? I still dk what my chances are out there again, dating dating. It gets tiring being alone at the end of every night.

Edit: I'm leaving out a few things... one of them is that she doesn't just not "like" women she likes to talk about how disgusting .. lets call it certain aspects of women and wlw are.. there are a number of things that have served to erode my self esteem and Im trying to climb up out of it but.. I also feel like she can grow and change if I help her

Edit: I asked her to leave. I also wrote her a letter. She's ignoring it completely and in a "reward" cycle of sorts being extra affectionate and acting like nothing has happened. It's difficult but I'm trying...