I don’t have much local lesbian community, so I figured I’d reach out here.

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. They were really kind and caring in our relationship and really helped me grow in so many ways. But they always were kind of uncomfortable with being loved or like how much I cared about them. They mentioned it a few times but I just assumed it was something they were processing and going to accept eventually. Especially cause I’ve had to do similar work in our relationship to not be terrified they were going to leave or they secretly hated me or whatever.

I guess I started joking about a month ago about moving in. I think I thought they were joking along cause I don’t remember them ever saying anything all that serious like “I’m not ready for that any time soon.” Cause if they did I would have shut up. I knew I had a bunch of things to prepare for whenever I move either with someone or not, so I think I was just mentally preparing for that in a year or two. It wasn’t meant to be a right now thing. But needless to say that apparently really freaked them out and they broke it off.

Mentally I feel like I’ve been ok. I’ve been in far worse situations where people were manipulative and cruel. So I don’t have any illwill toward them.

I’ve been really nauseous and gagging the past few day, barely able to eat much. They were supposed to drop off my things yesterday but ended up not being able to but from the moment I woke up I felt like I needed to throw up. I did later that night and felt better. But my stomach is in knots again today.

I feel like I want to still be friends if we can. If that’s something they want too. Cause when I asked if we could stay connected they said “thats up to you” which feels weird. Like that’s not solely up to me. I don’t want to be friends if they don’t also want that. But if I’m gonna be sick just thinking about seeing them, maybe that’s not going to work? Or maybe it’ll pass when my body realizes it’s still safe to be around them, even if it’s not the same relationship.

I think it’s all just still shocking because we were making plans and having a good relationship. It feels like a switch just got flipped that suddenly they were overwhelmed.