so, two nights ago i tripped alone. it was 200mcg, which didn’t seem like too much nor was it negative at all until ego death.

the first few hours were fun. i listened to music with great enjoyment, did yoga, danced, sang, laughed, etc. i found love and acceptance for my body, appreciating all of its wonderful abilities that could allow me to do these things. at some point, and i admit this is kind of weird, but i decided to masturbate to further use my body to its fullest extent.

in the middle of the night, when i got a bit tired, i laid down and started watching bojack horseman, which i really enjoyed too. there is a lot to think about when it comes to that wonderful show.

at some point, my brain naturally drifted to thinking about and assessing myself. i thought about how weird it was that i masturbated. this made me a bit anxious. then i started thinking about myself as a person. and without any warning, i fell deep into ego death.

losing my ego was the most terrifying thing i have ever experienced. i was made to look at myself and my ego from a different perspective, being overwhelmed with negative thoughts about how much of a loser and outcast i was. i thought about how all of my friends just pity me, and how outcasted my friends are, and how weird that makes me. i thought about all of the people i drifted away from and decided it was because i wasn’t good enough and they were better than me. i never saw myself as much of an outcast, i had decent self esteem, i like my humor, i like my intelligence, i like that i have good morals and try to treat everyone fairly. but in this state, i felt like i was one of the worst people in the world, that having any self esteem made me a narcissist, and that i must come off as extremely mentally ill and twisted and was just pitied by everyone who has ever been nice to me.

then, i fell even deeper, the start of my terrifying spiritual encounter. at this point, i has turned off the tv and was sitting in the silent dark, frozen with fear and despair unlike anything i’ve ever felt. i felt my mind become connected to a higher being, a higher form of consciousness, one that connects all of humanity. it was put into my head that human evolution and natural selection was more than just by chance, and was in fact controlled by the higher being that controls the entire human race. each human was just a body for this conscience to advance itself, the essence of ego and personality only existing purely to connect us with each other and reproduce. each human was just a chess piece, a vessel for this being to grow and evolve by advancing the species that it is connected to. also, each species to ever live had/has their own higher being attached to them or, rather, owned by their higher being, their ‘god’. i must also mention that i was an atheist my whole life.

next came the most terrifying part of all. ego death felt like this higher being of humanity taking the reigns of my body and deciding what it wants to do with me. i called this the judgement phase. it judged whether i was worthy of continuing the race and if i had apt characteristics that could better human evolution/adaptation. after briefly having assessed my physical and mental qualities, taking into account my mental illnesses, childhood trauma, and every physical illness or flaw that i have (such as my joint and tendon problems that seriously impacts my ability to be active), it decided that i should not reproduce by any means. it enforced this by essentially flipping a switch my brain, turning my natural two purposes of surviving and reproducing into the singular purpose to die.

first, i noticed that i lost my ability to love. i thought about my mom and my boyfriend, the two people who i love, and felt absolutely nothing. they were just two other beings with their own personalities, and personalities no longer meant anything to me. nothing did. the higher being took it away from me to prevent me from reproducing.

the next thing the being took from me to further guarantee that i don’t reproduce is my drive to survive. it took it and replaced it with an intense desire to end my life. i couldn’t fathom what was happening to me so i looked up stories about people killing themselves during an lsd trip and, indeed, people have done so. i assumed that the same thing happened to them, that they had ego death and were rejected by the higher being and given the desire and purpose to kill themselves. i was also not comprehending much of what i was reading, jumping to conclusions very fast and misunderstanding everything i read in a way that supported my beliefs/delusions. i also decided that ego death and shrooms (naturally occurring and both purposely and accidentally taken throughout human history and why we are so successful as a species) were an important part of evolution because it made the right people kill themselves, like what was happening to me, basically sorting out the bad apples and aiding in the process of natural selection/survival of the fittest. i believed psychedelics made just the right people lose their minds to prevent them from reproducing. others, people who have been accepted by the higher being during ego death, were able to call it a positive experience. the people like me who weren’t so lucky simply could not live to tell the tale.

and so i sought out to kill myself. i knew i needed to leave my home as soon as possible, before my mom woke up and could stop me, so i tried to plan as fast as possible. first, i looked for ways to buy a gun as soon as possible. it was my preferred method but it seemed like too lengthy of a process. so i grabbed $20, packed my bag and put in my shoes, and set out to go buy a rope which i would use to hang myself from a tree, if i don’t purposefully crash my car in the process. the desire to die was just that strong. i wrote multiple drafts of incomprehensible suicide letters that stated my gratefulness for my mom’s love and attempt at giving me a good life as well as the fact that i had lost my mind and that this wasn’t her fault. as i left my room, i noticed that my mom’s door was open, and that it was already morning and the sun was coming up. had she not been awake i would be dead. i then took the belt of my robe and tied it into a noose, but realized that my mom doesn’t deserve to find my dead body. so i waited for a moment that i could leave the house. i waited for hours in a catatonic state.

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