I’ve tripped probably 15 to 20 times in my life, and the first 7 or so were some of the best times of my life. I had very complex visuals, even spinning “holograms” that would project onto my environment. I also had some persistent visuals that would appear every trip.

I eventually wanted to explore higher doses, and I ramped it up very quickly (usually took 100ug, definitely not more and more likely less). I took 6 voidrealm tabs one night and entered the void pretty soon after. It was a life-changing, awesome experience, but it was also a bit traumatic for my body while I was away (I was tripping around the wrong people).

Since that trip, my visuals have never attached to the environment again. They’re basically like an overlay. No more pattern recognition or fractals, it’s always just these intersecting lines everywhere that push together on themselves and collapse into words, covering my vision. If I sit still and meditate for a few minutes, I can feel the void pulling me in (which I purposely avoid since I trip alone and don’t want to wake up to a bunch of broken stuff). It’s like the lines all grab each other and a veil starts to pull away between my eyes and my brain. My body seems to freak out when I go to the light. I’m not sure why, I just start throwing stuff and freaking out even though my consciousness experiences complete bliss. I lose control of my body, it’s like it wants to pull my consciousness back in or something.

Did something happen to my brain, chemically, to cause this? Is it one of those things that, once the door is open, you can never go back to? I really want those low-key and enjoyable trips again, but whenever I take LSD now I just feel butterflies in my stomach that never really go away til I’m done tripping. Mushrooms and mescaline are the same, I just feel a pit in my stomach even if I have a great set and setting.

I still very much enjoy dissociatives and mdma, but my most enjoyable experiences were on LSD alone. Now it feels like I did something wrong.