So, I don't know how to start this discussion, since this is my first post.

I 24(M) have been an active drug user for the past 5 years. There was this one time, my friends and I we went on a music fest in the hills. I got three tabs of acid (200-220ug) each. We were three friends, but, one of my friends cancelled last minute, so I decided to do his share of the drug. The acid trip started peacefully and I was having a great time till I wasn't able to. I started getting really anxious and paranoid. I don't remember the exact timeline, but I was something along the lines, that we were caught by people, and they were suffocating me to get answers (I have no bloody clue what those answers were till this day). I had a really bad time when we were outside our room, and there were a bunch of people playing guitar and just vibing, but I don't know why i felt the need to go in between that, and my mind was telling me that I needed to slapped or hurt by them and I practically did that and asked them to slap me (the thought still icks me to this day). I had a full outer body experience where I saw myself from a bird's eye view. I felt some of my friends were getting violently beat/sexually assaulted in the bathroom, and I could hear their screams. But that wasn't the case as my friends re-assured me that they were there with me in reality. I had the idea to kill myself because that's the only solution to all my problems, but it just didn't feel right, because the best decision for you is supposed to make you feel at peace. I had thoughts where I thought of myself as a homosexual. I had thoughts where I couldn't remember any happy bits in my life to calm me down, the face of my parents, the lyrics to my favourite song, etc. I could feel my brain almost hurting my body like needles being pushed in me. To give you guys a better context, I have done acid after this, and had a pretty decent time, not the best. But because of the sheer paranoia and dear I caused by friends, I like to do it solo, because I feel I might end up ruining their night. But, they were nothing but sweet to me and understanding to their best possible capacity. This incident took place 4-5 years ago, but the memory of this still haunts me at times, and I see myself reliving those moments. I felt the need to be alone and die alone because I feel I'm nothing but a burden to those around me and they'll be better off without me.

Can someone please explain if this is normal? Or how can I calm myself. Because, acid has been a wonderful experience most of the times, and I would want to continue doing it.