Yesterday it started well, but I was a bit confused. I started to walk and walk but things were still so cool. I called my best friend and we talked and laughed. Later I discovered I was just distracting myself like I do when sober. Then I felt like not talking anymore and just enjoying the ride. I reached a park, I sat there. I was hearing sounds, even music... I was in peace, trying to make positive thoughts (again, just distracting myself). I looked again at the scenery and colours were not bright anymore. Some kids walked near me and I thought "protect children, they deserve it". Then, after the scenery became so dark, I thought "why everything suddenly changed color?"

From that question, everything started to fall.

I don't even remember much but I tried to calm me by listening to a song... this song says:

"I don't remember how I was before I was born, but the sweet desire of nothing in the womb, yes, I remember it [...] And the child is lost, the teen is inaccurate, the man is wrong... what was it? The reason of the rain, the sun and snow, wind, big waves, stones and the deafening noise and so many other things that I cannot control"

I started to cry a little.

Then I sat on the bench. I suddenly stopped worrying about my bag near me... but then... which bag? The bag doesn't exist. And I don't exist. Suddenly I seen the whole place but without me. I was not existing anymore for some seconds.

That's when I started to cry and cry and cry. A death thought surpassed my mind but I fought it so much.

But then I cried and cried.

I don't remember what's between me crying and me drawing. I just know that the only times I was able to type on my phone I entered on Reddit to explain my situation. I think this confused me a lot. Loop thoughts started to kill me. I was thinking something then it didn't really happen which made me confused and I was trying to give an explanation but the thought of the explanation used to stop and I had to start all over again.

The scary part started... my body was shrinking and I looked at my hands and legs... I was so tiny, I felt so tiny, my mind regressed. I was around 5 years old. I seen a shadow surpassing me, it was a man, then I looked again at my hands and wondered why I seen a man if my first trauma was COCSA, but I was a rape victim at 19 years old.

I felt so vulnerable. I was a CHILD inside a park. And I was crying. I felt so empty. I needed love. I needed protection. I was experiencing emotion that I thought were non existent because I always deny that I suffer because of my traumatic experiences, which were not only rape and COCSA, but bullying, isolation, no friends while growing up, loss of a loved one and a traumatic breakup with the person I loved.

My mind started to think "I always felt so alone, I always felt so alone" over and over again. The question "But are you alone now?" jumped in my head. I was thinking about God but I felt NO connection with him. I was not able to think, "oh I have god" or "oh, but I have myself". I was just EMPTY.

I felt like someone stabbed me again and again and again.

I tried to let go, to not think. Peace returned for some minutes, maybe half hour but it was useless. When I returned home I told my mom because I thought it finished. But I had to cry more and more and I locked myself in the bathroom while colora were changing from blue to pink and violet... visuals were not scary at all. I was not scared of what I was seeing, not even of my reflection. I was scared of what I was feeling and understanding.

I wrote a text to mum but had to rewrite it 3 times because I noticed that the two versions were just like a metaphorical connection to past events and feelings. The scary thing is that I said HELLO to mum in a childish way...

I felt 5 again... then I felt like I was just born!!!! I was a damn BABY!!! IT WAS SCARY. I felt NAKED. I had to ask for sunglasses to mom because I was not able to look at her or my dog without CRYING like a crazy. I felt naked without my sunglasses. I felt like I was a joke. I always said I am super straightforward and without filter. Yes, I am... BUT WITH OTHERS. I LIED TO MYSELF. IT WAS HUMILIATING.

I was not able to hide anymore. It was SHOCKING. I felt like I was being molested and sexually abused. I used to feel this was when I was a child, like everyone was able to perceive my dirtiness.

Then I understood that I don't ask for help because my parents used to tell me, when I was a child, to report anything wrong to them. I didn't when COCSA and bullying (even from teachers) started, because I didn't want my mom tu suffer. How can a child say such things to a parent? I started to watch porno on PC to cope. Now I am disgusted by sex and when I was tripping I had that urgency to go to the bathroom...

So I felt so wrong for not telling things to my parents, at the same moment. Now if I ask for help it's like saying "hey, I am wrong!!! If I am a victim then I must be the reason, then I must be a liar"

When I was less than 10 years old I used to feel like a walking vagina. Trauma was repeated for 3 years. I removed that feeling from my head and became detached more and more.

I cannot handle what I felt. I cannot handle that this is inside of me.

Everything is pointless now. I am stuck inside a "Now what?" And the answer is NOTHING.

NOTHING. I am DESTROYED.

I cannot live like this. Cannot carry on. I am not even scared of death. I am scared of the meaning that I can give or not give to life.

I feel EMPTY. TOTALLY EMPTY. I look at the ceiling, at my guitar, listen to music and think

WHY? THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

How the fuck I survived to these shits? Just by denying everything. Now that I am naked I am destroyed.