i was told to take half a tab but since i am experienced and didnt feel like cutting it i took the whole one. this was the first trip i wasnt entirely focused on music at all or my art even. i was sucked into my phone, talking to my online imaginary boyfriend (not actually committed) and after he went to sleep and i finally caught some sleep i woke up with a storm of negative emotions. it was the first day of black history month and i felt it. i felt the lack of communication between me and my black peers. the disconnection between my family and i. and the separation of black people in my city. it led to me having to expose my still acidized self to my friends, acquaintances, and most importantly my family. i repressed so much for so long that i felt like i needed to take the tab to fix all the issues in my life. one last time. i didnt know itd be the last time. the positive was pretty positive but the negative felt like i was swimming and having to not drown in it. i didnt want to hurt myself but i was at a point i felt like a dandelion. could just be blown away. i texted “i love you, bye” to a lot of people. i processed trauma i went through in high school. i posted a lot on social media. i faced the unknown head on. when i took it i can almost see myself now; lengthening my body and arms reaching over to the box that held the precious tabs. my mom and i got some food and had to walk all the way to the back with loud jazz and trivia going on. i genuinely felt like not only was i being pranked but i thought i was feeling how black americans must of felt during black history month. as i left i told every black person in the building happy black history month , almost in an attempt to wake other people up as well. when i went to my moms house (an important note was i was alone this whole trip) is when i died. i thought someone else , my ex best friend died, but when i reflect i know that i died myself. i felt pain ive never experienced before in my life. i got sent to a rehab and behavioral almost asylum like place and got put on meds. bam. all in all i feel better but as the tag says, a challenging trip not a bad one. i came out stronger and more ready to take on the rest of my life and a stronger connection to my family. tl;dr: ego death helps you. pain is hard but beautiful. everyone is a hypocrite.