So I'll clarify that my family and I are actually all fairly close and get along. Now

But that wasn't the case when we were young.

Now I knew something was I guess wrong with me from the time I was maybe 6-7. And I vividly remember having a conversation with my older siblings and saying that once I got older my dick would grow. Because I knew that's what boys have.

I was a boy, so it must grow because I didn't have mine yet.

But no I unfortunately was made to suffer through a female puberty and all the pain that goes with it.

As a teen my brothers and I broke into groups with our friends in the street. My older brother D is a blend of asshole and best big brother.

One of my favorite stories about him is how at 5 he grabbed a fallen branch and chased an 11 yr old because they made our older sister cry.

I don't know if my dysphoria some how showed or what but our neighbors/friends found the insult that would turn me violent against them. They would call me a man.

Like me being a man is wrong, I didn't look like one so calling me one when that was all I really wanted was... Horrible. I locked myself inside for a few days and wouldn't talk to the neighbors because of it.

I mentioned to D that them calling me that really hurt me. I don't know why I told him, he was laughing when they did it too.

But he told me to flip it on them next time. So I did and said "if I'm a man, then you're a woman" and skated away

The neighbor chased me and knocked me to the ground, and D threw him onto a parked car.

Not long after our close cousin started discussing how his long-term partner might be trans. It was just a thing at the time nothing more nothing less.

Well then it came out he's a father and his son needed to be taken from bio-mom. Our cousin J refused to be a father, and his partner made it all about them.

D told me many times how he would tell A (J's partner) "I know what's in your pants" in front of groups of people at anime conventions.

Because they were being a drama-hound he was proud to act transphobic.

He told me this like I should have applauded him outing someone at the first public chance.

I was afraid he would do this to me if we got into a fight, and we fought often back then. Hell we practically hated each other.

I didn't come out until I was 22, I suffered for over a decade because he made me fear that his support as my brother could be thrown away if he felt I annoyed him, or did anything he didn't like. I feared him so much I agreed to wear a dress to our sisters wedding.

I cried every night after I had to wear or try on the dress

So I case you read this and figure out who you are, you never apologized for the way you treated me. Neither did I, but if you acknowledge your part I'll do the same.

I wasn't sibling of the year or anything either but you gotta meet me halfway if you want to move past this.

Otherwise we'll both just pretend it didn't happen or act like it doesn't matter anymore. And I don't like the acting like the annoyances don't exist. I want a civil conversation where you can hear me and tell me your side without it devolving into just pure anger

If not well now you have an idea of how I felt back then