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I met her over a year ago. It was here on a less reputable part of Reddit. She was quick and beautiful and we had amazing chemistry. She was in another part of the world and our age gap made things nearly impossible. I’ve never been afraid of impossible. As the year drew on our conversations were deep and intimate and turned into so much more than the cheap orgasms we were trying to deny. I went first and expelled my demons about how I felt and it was awful when they weren’t immediately reciprocated. Then our conversations became less frequent even though I begged for more. In my head I plotted a statistically improbable future and schemed a way to make all of it possible. Even as she drew farther away I plotted feverishly to make it possible. Till 9 weeks ago the snap fell silent. It made sense at first but was a week then two then 4 and finally nothing. I surmise it’s a cultural thing. Women don’t like when men show emotion and even less so when they don’t immediately feel it. It seems to be a pattern I can see clearly but cannot escape. The other night woke bawling my chest pounding after the dream I had that she had passed and I felt bad for loving her so selfishly. I stare at her snap knowing I could reach out but like refuse thrown in the trash what good is escape if you have no use to the person who put you there. So here I am frozen in time on a familiar doorstep. I hope she found the happiness in life she couldn’t find in me. So here I am in love again with things that cannot love me back praying more now for the darkness than any hope is ever had for the light.
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