The button. What is it?

Is it dangerous?

Is it important?

Is it a god?

Luckily none of that matters, because we don't care about a button at all. Only the actions of one /u/MrFunderthuck, and how he saved the dirty non-pressers took the purity of many a non button pressing individual.

Is he guilty? Of course he is! But where would we be without trials?

StealthCop here, reporting for my third time? Second time maybe? I have no idea, it's been a while.

Here's all the important information:

Case Number 15-KCCtb-IV-32bmgs

CHARGES - approx. 200 counts of baiting /r/thebutton[6] users to the 12th degree

approx. 200 counts of inflicting mental torture against greys

1 count of disturbing the peace on the button

1 count of lying on reddit

1 count of breaking the terms of service of google chrome

1 count of having an account that accounted for the accounts who account for ~200 bogus button presses

WITNESSES

/u/dist

/u/hornwalker

/u/stormyrhapsody - potentially bribed

/u/Sukururu

/u/KingWolcott

/u/krakos

/u/Ge0rges14 - expert witness, certified programmer

PRESIDING JUDGE - /u/GhostOfWhatsIAName

ASSOCIATE JUDGES - /u/acwarren492 , /u/8bitmadness

Day 1

Our usual positions are filled, /u/SquiffyMcSquifferton serving up some lovely colored drinks, although everybody knows we only really needed the purple ones. They are the most important, after all. Some dirty non purples wonderful people fill in the ever important positions of dirty non purples the jury! That asshat /u/StealthCop comes in late, as usual, with a late report, as usual. I don't think I've ever seen him do anything on time. As the courtroom is slowly filled, a first day has come and gone.

Day 2

The Trial Thread begins.

No real law-bringing has come thus far, but there has been some wish motion granting, and /u/Kikool42 has decided to retreat to the back of the court, sipping on his dirty non purple orange juice.

DAY 2 UPDATE

Some real hardcore lawbringing has finally went down, as /u/KingWolcott delivers a chilling testimony

regarding his betrayal by the accused. King Wolcott must now peacefully live his life as a lovely presser. As everybody knows, only the 60s can be saved. Another story came in from a /u/Sukururu , who states that after pressing the holy button, he committed sudoku. Too ^{bad considering he would have been saved}

There was also a motion to make a pledge of button-llegiance, but it was struck down violently partly objected, as the Karma Court does not have an allegiance to any sort of button.

A piece of evidence supporting the prosecution was handed forth by /u/earl_of_ormonde. However this is not evidence, but a well known anti-presser propaganda piece used by Adolph Non-Pressler during Button War II. However, it was still accepted by the clearly biased towards non-pressers honorable judge /u/GhostOfWhatsIAName.

DAY 3

It appears that somewhere along the line, my report had given false information regarding a piece of evidence submitted yesterday. /u/earl_of_ormonde has rescinded his non-presser ways told me that he is part of the defense, and he was presenting this propaganda piece as a display of hatred he has for pressers hatred non-pressers frequently show. ^{I'm onto you, defense team.}

In more important news. /u/Kikool42 has ordered an entire truckload of oranges and orange juice. This however, was not a good idea, as now the defendant's desk smells heavily of citrus.

In less important news, the court is now in session, as /u/Kookies4u delivers multiple charges and /u/Kikool42 explains every single one in grueling, grueling detail.

Dishonorable Judge /u/GhostofWhatsIAName reads through multiple statements by the prosecution, and declares /u/cavmo removed from the court, banished to the hog dog stand outside. Hopefully the hotdogs taste good, or else cavmo's in for a real long day.

The judge also questions the authenticity of this piece of evidence, supposedly showing the defendant in the act of baiting. However it is clearly fake, as the 60s masterrace would most definitely have a fancier fishing pole than that.

DAY 4

According to the one and only /u/cavmo, the hot dogs were in fact quite good. However none of this matters as a certain issue regarding the hot dog stand has sprung up. /u/Malthepal has actually threatened to blow up the courtroom! Apparently he's doing it in the glorious name of commie-stanistan or wherever. Our honorable judge even threatened to bring out his war gavel. However, I believe that this is just a bluff on the vendor's part, and he simply wants to get into the jury box late. What's a hot dog vendor going to blow up a courtroom with?

More hotdogs? I fail to see the threat presented by our communist-loving, clearly delusional hot dog vendor.

^{I bet the defense team is secretly helping him.}

^{I'm onto you, defense team.}

Meanwhile...

In the ever important trial thread, the defendants have made their rebuttal to /u/Kookies4u's odd story about kidnapping a small child finding inspiration with the help of a small boy from his local coffee shop. /u/Captain_McFiesty and /u/lains-experiment are summoned to further question the validity of our "evidence" from earlier, supposedly showing the defendant baiting some dirty grays.

After another long winded defense statement, /u/kikool42 once again retreats to the safety of his beloved oranges. As of now, this case could still go either way, provided the dirty non pressers jurors stay unbiased. ^{Yeah right like a gray can stop hating.}

DAY 4 SPECIAL INTERVIEW WITH DEFENSE ATTORNEY /u/kikool42

DAY 5

While witnesses have not yet been put through any true questioning, leaving me out of any ability to write up some hardcore justice-serving, the infamous "baiting" piece of evidence has actually been examined. /u/lains-experiment has actually come forth to [examine the evidence (https://www.reddit.com/r/KarmaCourt/comments/32bmgs/the_people_of_the_button_vs_umrfunderthuck_for_tba/cqfqzou)

He determined that the evidence was in fact, created in MS Paint. However, it is known that the people of /r/photoshopbattles cannot gaze upon an MS Paint creation without their retina melting from the inside. Because of this, /u/lains-experiment was not able to give any further comment on this particular evidence.

However, he did question multiple times as to where he was, and what exactly was going on. Clearly this means that the other users of Reddit cannot gaze upon the Karma Court without their retina burning.Or is he just confused?

When our photo expert does not have anything further to say, it appears that /u/cavmo had, at some point, successfully slipped into the courtroom without anybody noticing. He chimes in on the photo debacle, stating "cough Modified pictures cannot be used as evidence in a court of law. cough" Clearly eating all of those hot dogs has given him some sort of cough or sickness. Although, it was not long before he was once again exiled from the courtroom, setting off again to munch on hot dogs for the rest of his days.

DAY 12-ISH

There comes a moment in every person's life where they make a horrible, agonizing, horrible mistake. After waiting almost a week for some new content, a lonely reporter finally has something to do. So the reporter writes up his report, a lovely couple of lengthy paragraphs describing some new witness questionings. He looks at his work, satisfied, moves his mouse down to the "Cancel" function, and clicks it. He moves on with his day, hoping somebody, somewhere will enjoy his rep-...

Wait a minute...

He presses cancel? Now why would he do that...

I guess we have to do this again

INTRODUCING YESTERDAY'S REPORT, TODAY

In happier news, the witness examinations were actually finished! First to the stand was /u/my__name__is, and he is questioned about his knowledge of the extension, saying that using it had brought him instant regret. He says that he is often helping grays who stray from their cultish, disgusting practices "One True Path" as he calls it. As far as I can tell no information other than "Yeah this extension kinda sucked" was received from the witness.

Next up to the stand was /u/Ge0rges14, who was a scummy gray before being turned into a 60s by the defendant's extension. The witness constantly refers to pressers as scum, meanwhile /u/that_random_potato tries to cross-examine evidence in the middle of the prosecution's questioning, and the court quickly returns to order. Once the defense team is up for questions, /u/kikool42 once again lays down the law, stating that he must follow oath, or he may be subjected to certain... punishments, involving Pinochio's nose. He asks also, how many throwaway accounts the witness had, clearly trying to figure out how much of a presser the witness actually is. It's a well known fact all non pressers a dirty liars.

Finally, /u/kikool42 gives a summ-...

Wow...

/u/Kikool24, I challenge you to give a response to anything, anything in the world, that is shorter than Gone With the Wind.

I'm reporting, and I don't even enjoy writing about this nearly as much as you do.

Anyways, he gives a wonderful summary, and uses every single letter of the alphabet with the amount of evidence he has, asking for a reward. There should definitely be a reward for that. I guess the reward comes in the form of his title, "Deafens the Undeafenable" which is most certainly true.

Thus begins, or began, as it actually happened yesterday.

REPORT ON JURY DECOMPRESSION TOMORROW

EVEN IF IT'S FINISHED BY TONIGHT

I'M ALREADY A DAY LATE WITH THIS REPORT, DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T BE CONSISTENT