I’m extremely, extremely, extremely afraid of communicable diseases, to the extent where I wouldn’t even want to be in the same room as someone who has HIV/AIDs. Also it doesn’t help that when I see someone on PreP, it just makes me more concerned than reassured because are they having so much sex with so many different people that it necessitates the need for PreP.

I would try to be in a relationship but I just don’t trust people anymore, and this is something I need to be upfront about so they don’t get weirded out later (my kinks, that is) also, I’m clearly a magnet for users and sociopaths so it doesn’t help that I’m so defensive. What I would really like is a monogamous situationship/fwb kind of thing, but it seems more and more like I only have one of two options and that these are mutually exclusive:

Option A: Be monogamous, vanilla af, and find someone through romantic intent, and be ok with marrying them eventually knowing they probably won’t sign a prenup, knowing the rate of infidelity and divorce which all feels very manipulative and wrong and dumb as hell

Option B: Bite the bullet, get vaxxed, get on PreP, be ok with hookups, non-monogamy, be fearful and stressed out about everything though the chance of catching something is minimized as much as it can be.

In one scenario I can have the peace of mind monogamy offers, but chances are we won’t be compatible in bed at all

In the other scenario I can be a total slut but my mind will be constantly preoccupied by even the most minimal, practically impossible chance of catching something because I’m neurotic af.

I just want a M Bi Top I can hang out with, be friends with, be monogamous with, but also be kinky af and goon out with, but it seems like there is no path to that even if I was to choose option A or Option B. Would I better off not pursuing this? Is it a complete waste of time?