My husband is heavily enmeshed with his mother and extended family. It’s their culture and generational fear/obligation/guilt emotional manipulation that I want no part of. Unfortunately, I’m only realizing this dynamic after years of marriage and a baby.

Anyway. My MIL just texted ME asking if we can come to a gathering this weekend. It’s 45 min away and begins right at the start of LO’s (20 months old) nap time.

Currently, this is conversation with DH will go when I bring up this party (and if I don’t mention it to him, it means MIL’s plan of triangulation worked).

Me: your mom said we’re invited to (his relatives) anniversary party Sunday at noon. It’s right at LO’s nap time, and we don’t want to spend the day sitting at a table. LO wants to nap and then play, you want to watch football, I have things to do.

DH: WE HAVE TO GO, THEY ALL WANT TO SEE LO

Me: why? So they can criticize how chunky/chubby/fat she’s gotten? Ask me about my finances?

Then fight/argument erupts.

Common things he will say:

• LO can sleep in the car there and back, it’s a 45 min drive each way. (But in reality LO won’t get a quality nap this way.. and lord knows when we’ll actually leave the party).

• “They never see LO”

• “LO is my kid too. You’re so controlling, why do you get to make all the decisions??”

• “what’s the big deal with f they call her chubby? She is!! Why can’t people say what they’re thinking? You’re so sensitive. You’re a helicopter parent.”

• LO should get to know extended family and bond with them

• They all want to see LO, and I want to see them

I’m in therapy, but I still don’t know how to address this. Going is a hard no from me. They feed LO out of their hands without washing their hands and they’re always getting sick with covid or the flu. There’s nowhere for kids to play in that house. They want to take turns sitting there holding LO like a doll. IF LO runs around to explore, they “catch her” and hold her against her will and then wonder why she’s crying.

They call her chubby as in “come here chubby!” And I don’t want her to have body image issues or have her labeled as the chubby kid.

They make passive aggressive comments about never getting to see LO and saying we have to share.

And again, she’ll have to miss her nap for this…?

We’ll be seeing them all again in less than a month anyway.