I’ve posted before about my (30F) addict boyfriend (25M). He’s been on a downward spiral - has not used his drug of choice, but is still mixing alcohol with the occasional benzo he gets his hands on and it makes life hell for his family and me.

It’s on a weekly basis and every single special occasion or holiday in between. Two weeks ago, it hit on a Halloween party so we each got harassed, screamed at, and threatened, and then I declined to go out with them to keep an eye on him and had to babysit after he swallowed an entire bottle of gabapentin on top of everything and started hallucinating.

Last weekend was his little sister’s big 21st birthday. He drank an entire 750ml of vodka to himself, started raging at me in the hotel room and screaming which lasted for hours and ended in a punched bathroom door. It was insane because I called his mom for help and when she was on speaker, he was instantly calm, agreeable, and totally reasonable. Then he passed out.

I should’ve left him alone at that point but I waited a few hours and then woke him up to see if he still wanted to go - it was really important to his family. He came, everything was going great for once, he wasn’t drinking. And then he disappeared, his mom was angry when he turned back up because she was sure that he went off to go buy drugs, and he flew into a rage and punched his stepdad in the face right on the casino floor. And then they wrestled and people started recording. We were that family.

I had a morning where he wasn’t around (rare, he’s been unemployed for months until last week) and packed every single thing I owned into my car. I thought for sure he was out relapsing because we’d gotten into a fight and his location was off due to no Wi-Fi (I used to pay his phone bill). He came back sober, I believed him when he said he was sitting thinking for a few hours, and said he was mortified with how he’s been acting. He said he was mad at the world because he’s coming to terms with the fact that he can’t get high anymore and was lashing out. He said he never wanted to touch benzos again because of how they made him treat people. He said alcohol would only be for going out and not drinking at home by himself. I unpacked my stuff. (🤦🏻‍♀️)

Tonight, nothing was out of the ordinary. I was getting ready for work and got annoyed that he bought himself a half pint of vodka and was halfway through it. He started whining that he was sick (I’ve been sick, and working overtime in a damn warehouse), he’s depressed, and won’t I just give him two of my klonopin to make him feel better? I said no, it turned into a whole thing of harassment and him telling me to get out if I’m not going to “help” him. So I went to leave the room and he grabbed my school laptop in an attempt to make me stay.

I’m so tired of the manipulation and told him to return it. When he didn’t, I went to leave the room and de-escalate and he smashed it into the ground. I started running down the hallway to the staircase and he lobbed it all the way across and it hit me in the back. I don’t have a MacBook, this thing was heavy. Could’ve been my head.

So we are now at three iPhones, two laptops, and a car window. I AM trying to get out. My mom is helping me get approved for an apartment and is offering to help with rent because I can’t stay with her right now. I just don’t have the money saved up to get out yet. I’m just tired. I’ve been getting told to leave for two years now and I just kept hoping he would get better. But this aggression and violence has only been getting worse.

His mom and sister both said tonight if they weren’t there, it probably would’ve kept escalating. It’s just crazy to think about because you never think you’ll be in this situation. If you asked me if I’d ever let a manchild with addiction and anger issues manipulate me so much into staying through all of this, I would’ve laughed. And now I’m that girl and it’s kind of hard to reconcile in my head.

If anyone made it this far, thank you. I’m typing this from the parking lot at work completely late but had to get it out.