Okay so basically, I just need to know I’m not actually going insane over here or if I’m unreasonable, at this point, the lines are getting blurry for me. I (25F) have been seeing this guy for a year (22M) and our whole relationship has been a bit volatile regarding communication.

Everything is perfect, until I try and express that he did something to hurt my feelings or anything that can be regarded as critical towards him. When I bring it up, he views it as me instigating problems but tbh, I only bring it up because I would like a thoughtful apology maybe or some variation of “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to.” I don’t think that is a wild expectation, but maybe it is, again my perception has become messed up trying to analyze this situation.

We typically will have arguments like once a week at this point, I’ve just been kind of keeping my mouth shut until we go to couples therapy. But outside of this, we could have such a great relationship. He is very thoughtful, he is always doing small things for me and kissing me/hugging me/wanting to be close. He prioritizes our quality time and we have so much fun together. I know he would help me in a heartbeat if I needed it, and he has. He is there for me when I am upset about anything else, as long as it has nothing to do with him lol. He has consistently been this way for the duration of our relationship, so I know it’s not just a facade.

This is a list I made so I can have everything in order for our future therapy sessions- I tend to forget specific things in the moment and this is to remind myself, so that is why it is very brief or I use shorthand a bit.

• Double standards: will say something to me that he would not want returned, when I bring this up, his response is “It’s different this time.” When I express it is not different to me, he will just say that to him it is and want to leave it here. Makes me feel as though my opinion/feelings are not valid

• Has regularly told me what should and should not upset me, often tells me, “Other people wouldn’t care about that”

• If in a certain mood, will say and has said hurtful things- he will apologize and express regret later but it still hurts me, I remember those things and don’t move on so quickly. I have been told our conflict is all my fault, that I’m the one who always escalates, that he can see why people wouldn’t want to be with me, etc. When I expressed him saying that is hurtful, he would then tell me I’m too sensitive and take things too personally. He has apologized for these things, but it still hurts

• When I attempt to ask if he has noticed progress on my end, he has said both times no or brought up instances that I may have messed up or backslid. There is little acknowledgement of my attempts toward resolving our conflicts (getting ahold of my meltdowns, setting boundaries to defer myself from getting worked up, taking medication for my anxiety). I feel like support or positivity towards the things I am doing well would be nice

• Has expressed that he views me crying during discussions as negative, views it as me backsliding and not being “calm”. I cry very easily, it’s normally calm tears not sobbing, I can’t really control that and it feels like there is no leniency for me in these situations

• He goes back and forth on taking responsibility for his part in our relationship - depends on the day. Some days he will say he knows how he can be, other days he will deny it and try to turn it back to me. I have him on video admitting he thinks he’s narcissistic, I have brought it up once since, and he attempted to tell me that I’m a narcissist

• I told him I feel as though he isn’t receptive during our conversations, he told me that is narcissistic to say

• When I express my feelings, he doesn’t comment or try to help resolve the situation (sometimes he will say sorry, but it is a statement like “I’m sorry but…), he really only responds with how he feels and how I make him feel. Despite this, he regularly tells me he never gets to talk about his feelings and that he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me

• I expressed that due to the above, I feel scared or uncomfortable talking to him. His response was to tell me that it makes me him sad/feel terrible when I express that

• He won’t really let me leave- the three times I have attempted to end things he just says “no” or that he doesn’t understand. He always says how we can fix things, and the only way he’ll leave is if I call the police and I haven’t wanted to turn it into such a big thing, so I haven’t stood my ground on that, also we rent an apartment together so I can’t really kick him out. I expressed how abusive that is and he says he knows but he can’t help it 💀

• I caught him sexting with random people online twice while I was working nights and he was unemployed (he is now employed), so I’m also dealing with trying to heal from that. To his benefit, he did delete accounts, photos, and everything related to it and has allowed me unlimited access to check his phone whenever and that does help me feel like he is serious about not doing it again…but I can never be sure I guess

• Previously told me couples counseling wouldn’t work and that he would view it as just trying to get validation that he’s right and I’m wrong, has now changed his tune and we have a couple’s therapy appointment. He says he now only cares about resolving our communication issues. I have to be honest I do not believe he has good intentions but I am going with him anyway on Monday to our first session lol

So essentially….advice? Opinions? Am I crazy or is this just not normal stuff? Do you think it might be due to the age difference, there are a few ways in which our maturity levels differ. I’m hopeful if it is a maturity thing, it will get better with time and therapy. But I don’t know at this point. I’m kinda just biding my time and trying to not make waves currently.

I would also like to add, I am not perfect. I have my faults. I have gotten too worked up in the past and had strong emotional reactions, among other things due to my high anxiety. I am autistic, so I do have to be extra vigilant in avoiding a meltdown and his behavior unfortunately has triggered more of those than I have ever had at any point in my life. But I have been putting in so much work and effort in attempts to help fix things. And yes, he is also currently in individual therapy; that was a stipulation of mine after he cheated on me.