Damn it, can’t edit titles.

I posted a few days ago and you all said to make sure I stayed strong with the break up. Obviously, I didn’t. This culminated into me realizing he stole my medication yesterday, which turned into a fight at work and all I asked for was space while I was at work.

He agreed, then called so many times that he almost killed my entire phone battery. I asked why he did that after agreeing to let me have peace on my shift and his response was “because I wanted to hear your voice, I wanted to talk to the girl I love, I want, I want, I want”. I took the bait and tried calmly reasoning with him that this is another example of why it’s not working - on top of the glaring addiction issues, he’s very much the type of person to only consider their feelings at the expense of anyone else’s.

This led to the usual relapse threats, and my work let a lot of us go early due to how slow it was, so I let him know I was coming back to pick up my dog and go home. That’s when he hit me with the “Goodbye Sandy, I won’t be here when you get back”. I got there and of course he was gone, after he hid some of my clothes to ensure I came back for them another time?

His mom and I literally searched the entire house and property and nothing. But he did drink a full pint of vodka before heading out, since that was on his nightstand. So he literally dragged a bag of my clothes somewhere and hid it on his way out. We talked for a while and realized that he had a car pull up on Friday to sell him something, then Monday night he disappeared from 11pm-2am on a “bike ride around the block”. I was sick to my stomach.

I also hate him more because our cat just had kittens. They’re a month old. I was loving being around them and watching them grow up and finding good, safe homes for them. I can’t do that while not being there. And I won’t be there anymore.

He showed up a few hours later while we were still talking and I said goodnight to his mom and got up to leave, staying calm. He got indignant about that and I was like, okay are you ready to be honest? He admitted he picked up Friday, he went to his plug’s house Monday, and he said he had a girl pick him up and they got high together.

He very well could have made her up to spite me (that’s exactly his style) but I don’t have the energy anymore to get more information on that and I’m going to assume they got high and fucked. With nothing else to discuss, I took my dog and walked to my car. He followed me out, yelling that it was my fault because I drove him to do it and blocked my car with his body. I had to reverse down the street and take a back road out of there.

I know it’s done. Once another girl is in the picture, I can’t get the images out of my head. I have BPD. It’s a blessing and a curse, but the blessing is that my black and white thinking means I’m not sitting here pining away for him. He just feels like a stranger.

He has a few of my possessions (an expensive gaming laptop, the phone I bought him - reported stolen already so he can’t use it - and my bag of clothes. The clothes aren’t a HUGE issue but you guys know how rare it is to find that perfect damn bra that’s not made anymore). I asked for them back and told his mom I unblocked him on messenger in case he was going to do the right thing. It’s been hours now and nothing, so I sent him this:

Here goes another novel. I don’t care if you read it, but this one isn’t verbally abusive. I just want to say goodbye.

Was hoping you’d message and do the right thing but that’s alright. The cooler weather outside right now feels and seriously smells like all those nights you were gone and I missed you so bad, it was physically and mentally painful. I’m sad about how everything turned out. I really thought you were the one and that if I just tried hard enough, did enough, and said the right things you’d finally see how your behavior was affecting me and you’d change.

But. You’re an addict - your thought processes, personality, patience, reason, logic, compassion, motivation etc. are all affected. Unless you get sober and stay sober, it'll continue this way. The rare glimpses I got of the real Frankie - witty, clear-headed, my partner against the world, all-around the most amazing person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting - never lasted long until addict Frankie showed up again and the shadiness and lies started right back up again. And you won’t get sober, maybe not ever, but definitely not with me and I was foolishly optimistic to think I could mold you into the perfect man I know you could be for me. But that’s unfair to you because deep down you know you wouldn’t be happy that way. As silly as it sounds, I honestly think in another life we’ll make it because I’m not letting go of the dumb twin flame shit - we’ve had too many uncanny moments of texting each other at the same time or having weird dreams or reading each other’s minds.

I invested over two years of my life into you. I sat around and worked my ass off for eight months and waited around for you while you were in jail. I spent so much money, so many nights crying and begging you to be better. You claimed to love me but the two necessary components for that - honesty and respect - were never there. Just empty promises until you needed to dick around on me and go behind my back again. For drugs. For the high. They always win and I’m tired of competing. There will always be a dealer around the corner. There will always be bus rides or bike rides or late night walks and then lies. Hidden bags around the house. The drugs won. I surrender.

This has gotten toxic and unhealthy. You hanging out with, getting high with, and probably fucking another girl behind my back is unforgivable at this point. After more than two years, you’re still stealing my meds, lying to my face, trying to hide your addiction, and disrespecting me. I enjoyed the good times with you and I’ll always remember them fondly, but I had to delete everything from my phone that reminds me you exist because it’ll just be painful seeing it. The good times don’t make up for the bad. I wish you the best and I’ll always love you, but I am done trying to make this work. Take care of yourself. You have so much life to live, you’re too special to just become another statistic.

And now I’m crying. I don’t want to bother my best friend about this because she’s always hated him and it’s not fair to keep dumping this on her. I don’t have anyone else to share with so here goes. If you read this far, thank you. I just feel so low.