I’ve been blessed with borderline personality disorder so the relationship has had its fair share of “iM lEaViNg” followed by working things out 3-24 hours later.

ExSO is an addict. He’s been struggling with it for years and on and off - mostly on - throughout our 2 year relationship. When he went to jail for 8 months this year for a violation of probation and being found with a few baggies, I ended up supporting him because he really made it feel different this time - the forced time away from drugs plus focusing on working out and working on the landscaping/clean-up crew really changed his perspective on life, yadda yadda.

He’s been out for two months now and according to what he told our couples counselor, he’s been clean except for one relapse this weekend. But he hasn’t been. He’s been talking about using every single day. He used other substances besides his DOC. He’s been drinking entirely too much. This last relapse was on his DOC and it was too much.

I’ve hit my limit on the amount of lies I can take to the face, the shadiness, the outright disrespect he shows whenever we disagree on something (his parents used to have explosive fights and his dad was verbally/emotionally abusive before he divorced and abandoned the family) and his need to use drugs as a nipple to get through life.

Recreational use, I can understand. I don’t do drugs and I’m fine without them but I don’t have anything against recreational users. But you can’t recreationally use fentanyl. I’ve done MDMA a few times and enjoyed it but I can’t build a life with someone who has a long day at work and needs to reward himself with getting fucked up after.

We had our last couples counseling session yesterday where he did nothing but add rude little commentary once the therapist called him out that he’s still deep in his addiction and it’s destroying not only our relationship but my mental health. As soon as a situation stops going his way, he becomes belligerent. And he did. Finally, he got up to leave and she jumped up to let him out and lock the door behind him.

The therapist literally got on her knees in front of me and hugged me and said he’s abusive and she’d been really close to kicking him out of her office, he’s too deep in his addiction right now to change (she’s been a substance abuse counselor for 35 years), and she wants me to block him, do a clean break, and start seeing her separately.

I called his mom after and he gave her a version of the story where he was the victim who just showed up trying to fix things and the therapist ruined our relationship. Which is just.. typical. He’s accused his mom of ruining our relationship when she used to send me pictures of bags she found in his room lol.

I’ve heard it from family and friends but to hear it from a professional.. he’s still blocked on everything and this time his family is too so he can’t harass me through them, but he’s been emailing me more victim nonsense. I only answered once to spell out one more time what the relationship issues were and that I’m more at peace without him and would never be able to raise kids with him knowing they might find him ODd one day. He thinks because it’s one relapse, everyone is overreacting. To me, I’ve just blown past my personal limit.

What really sucks is since we met, I really thought we were each other’s twin flames (I know, I know, I never believed in that shit until now). We text/call each other at the same time. In jail, I got in a car accident overnight at work and he called me the next morning panicking that he had a nightmare I was in an accident. Another night during the jail period, I sat in my car during my lunch break at work and missed him so I started hysterically crying with a fucking cosmic brownie in my mouth like an idiot and the next day, he said he had a feeling and he was crying all night too. Just little things like that always led me to believe we were it for each other.

Editing to add more because I’m just struggling to wrap my head around going no contact for good: I know everyone always says this but except for the huge, unworkable issues talked about above, he’s great. He cleans, he cooks, he makes sure I orgasm 2-5 times before he does, he remembers things I don’t even remember saying and mentions/does something about them months later. I know I need to stick to this but god damnit it’s fucking hard. I hate fentanyl.

I’m sorry this was so long. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it without getting a barrage of “I told you so”. If anyone has success stories of happiness after leaving due to addiction, they’d really help strengthen my resolve.