When I was five years old, I was placed on the Autism spectrum. I had several sensory issues, I'd constantly ram myself into couches, touch any surface I could find, and plug my ears in loud and crowded rooms. I was terrified of jumping off the diving board. I had trouble socializing with other children and I was known to ask inappropriate questions. I would frequently throw tantrums and I was usually in a foul mood when things didn't go perfectly as planned.

My dad told me they had me tested for IQ and it was 136. I didn't function well in preschool or kindergarten and I spent all of grade school homeschooled. Both of my sisters were a grade ahead, except me. My GPA was 3.73. I felt insecure about this as a young boy, the fact that both of my sisters were probably smarter than me. They could read faster than me, and both went to college. I could never win an argument with them because 1) they could think on their feet and 2) they hate being told they're wrong. I decided not to go to college--I was going into the arts, plus colleges seemed like too much money and intellectual circlejerks.

I had taken up interest in writing and filmmaking and my father told me I was "gifted". I was always conflated whether I was very smart and just insecure, or if I was dumb and just prideful. I never went to college and struggled with motivating myself, and I spiraled into severe depression and very, VERY bad OCD. My OCD themes included ruminating on heavy philosophical topics day and night, with no end in sight. I had attempted suicide on several occasions, and as of recently I've struggled with emotional outbursts and anger under stress. I carried heavy shame over some really bad shit I did, and that was the motive behind some of my suicide attempts. I've never been able to kill myself because 1) I'm too afraid of Hell and 2) I don't like the idea of making my parents sad and angry.

My therapist believes I was abused as a child. My father had a temper he often struggled with controlling. When I screwed up as a child, I'd usually get spanked--with a hand at first, but a belt when I was older. I have a memory of my dad shoving me into a wall, and when I was little, we'd have to eat jalapeno peppers if we did something bad.

I felt as if I should've been going places, doing great things, and hear I was still living with my parents and doing manual labor. I was told I was a (near) genius. So what the fuck was wrong with me?

I've struggled developing a "healthy self-esteem" throughout my life. There's times where I'd fantasize about being rich and successful and a good, upstanding moral person--or, when people will find out that I'm an imposter, a fraud, and a genuinely awful human being. I craved compliments, but when I got them I'd often feel embarrassed, like I didn't "deserve" it. I was always fearful about becoming prideful as a child and I'd repeat these awful mantras about myself. Sometimes, I'd make myself sad and angsty because I wanted attention from my parents...only to start feeling sad and angsty myself. And when I was coddled, I felt bad about it.

Now as an adult, I'm trying to improve myself. Today I just took Mensa's IQ test and it turns out it was...110. I was expecting something higher, given my IQ test when I was younger and my decent GPA. I'm disappointed in myself, but humbled. I'll probably not do many great things, as I'm only somewhat intelligent, I lack motivation, and I'm a mentally ill wreck. My intelligence and artistic ability were really the only sources of confidence I have, but I have doubts about those.

How do I form a healthy self-esteem without becoming prideful or self-loathing? I always fall into one or the other.