1. Over the past couple years, after long battles of depression and anxiety, I've become an incredibly cynical and jaded person. I've become self-centered and unemphatic. I still strive to be "good", I try to listen to people, I try to help them when they need it, even if I don't feel like it. But there's a part of me that's bitter and resentful of the world and myself. Sometimes, when I see my peers become successful, there's a part of me that feels intense self-loathing for not accomplishing enough. There's a part of me that struggles connecting with others, even though I want too I also feel uncomfortable if I get too close with someone. I feel icky and cringey.
2. I'm lazy and unmotivated. It's very hard for anything to make me happy anymore. I used to have so much passion for filmmaking, but my energy began to wane as I got older. I still want it--badly--but it's impossible for me to finish anything screenplays. I just stare at the screen and suffer. I'm paralyzed by any creative thought I have--it always feels "wrong" and I can't stop criticizing my own work. I can't enjoy any of it anymore. And I hate myself for not writing more. I feel pathetic, especially since the lack of writing truly is my fault. I see other filmmakers my age so much more successful than me...and, well, it's not unfair, because I do deserve it--but it sucks that my creativity and passion just escaped my grasp.
3. Back in January, I punched my own father in the nose. It was probably one of the biggest moral failings of my life. We were having some stupid argument where we were both being assholes, and he gets up from the couch and starts approaching me. I got scared and reacted. He used to be aggressive with me as a teenager. He'd "discipline" me by whipping my bare ass with his belt until my hand would turn red or even purple trying to cover it. He had shoved me into walls, made me eat jalapeno peppers (which he later stopped, as he felt it was cruel. Ironically I like jalapeno peppers now.) This doesn't justify my own actions, however. I was just overcome by this terrific anger and...snapped. I'm scared this will happen again someday, and I'll end up doing something I regret.
4. I'm 23 and live with my parents. I'm currently making money just doing odd jobs. I feel awful about this. I want to move out, have my own place, working on a movie. But none of this has come to fruition, and it may never will.
5. Despite all of this, there's a small thread of hope inside me. Sometimes, I still have good ideas for stories, or sometimes I really feel for my friends. My empathy is weird and "activates" at random moments, but it's definitely real. I used to be far more empathetic. I don't know what happened. I'm not anything like the man I'm supposed to be, or what I want to be--and I'm grieving that. I don't know how to change myself or my life around me except to keep "grinding" and hope that something works out. It's exhausting and I have grown to despise myself and my existence.

What do I do?