Yesterday I had my second EMDR treatment. I was sexually abused as a child. This got retriggered after I met a girl some time ago who gradually and conciously manipulated me, confused me and made me feel compelled to have sex with her what caused the retraumatization on a specific moment during the act. She was using my internal spirit and the trauma's attached to it in comibnation with shame and guilt to get what she wanted, and she did at the end.

After that all those things happened I fell into extreme dissociation, derealization and other problems. Its 2 years now that I have been struggling. Few times shortly aftrr the retraumatization I dreamt about spiders and how I fell in their den and how psychologically with fear I was controlled in them.

Few days ago I now got to understand what it all meant and means. Spider was the representation of the feminine devouring me because it was connected to a trauma I had it was my subconscious leading me to heal myself from my trauma. It was a feedback, it was showing my the manifestation of the feminine combined with a trauma. It was depicting manipulation. You know the stories of Medusa and the Basilisk creatures being able to patrify you or turn you into stone.. well that is possible. A seductive woman with a sinister and evil intentions can do that to you. In normal people terms its if someone has a trauma or something involves with a manioulating woman that how that person will end up.

Anyway the day before yesterday I was freeking out because of something I did few days before.. which was watching a ASMR video of an extremely enchanting women who patrified me. Its in my account. The crazy thing about this was that I initially felt free in a way and then her fucking presence was in my mind causing certain halucinating sounds in pre sleep state. Anyway I went to sleep.. in that night I died in my sleep. The overwhelm of what has happened caused a dream in where I got killed. A person who I no longer deserves to be called a friend betrayed me and in my sleep I was killed by him when he lead me down the stairs to the basement. He killed me then and there, in that sleep I accepted my death. Next morning I woke up to this on reddit here. Which was quite weird. I was the wasp in the grasp of that women in the video. Anyway I suffered from depersonalization good 4-5 days with full on apathy..

All of this was only possible probably because I already had a unresolved complex trauma which got triggered. Anyway the interesting thing about that is she completely destroyed my shields its as if she just completely nests herself into your mind and mind contrilling you which is extreme form of manipulation.. anyway it seems to have worked in my favor and benefitted aswel as the therapist it was easyer for her to do EMDR on me.

Last night I came to piece with all of what I just told you. In my dream the sider morphed into something else and retreated.. released me from my bond basically because it had no control over me. A woman appeared in my mind then for whom I had affection and it was my therapist because I finally got to trust her. This was in correspondence with the somatic pain leaving my lower body. After very long time I feel intimacy. I feel my feet and have deep love for everything beneath them which is this world I would guess. I can't quite explain it. Also during that dream a tiger visited me and he was friendly and came face to face with me by showing affection which was a deeply supporting and powerful feeling which is hard to put in words. This strong creature showing me his support it feels a bit like it's my intuition, my power, my guardian saying Im here for you and you doing good. Which was quite emotional I have to say.

Anyway this was a little journey I felt like sharing. Sorry for not the best cohesive story telling. It's more for the symbolism that I wrote this. Just made me think of the movie Life Of Pi. Maybe I'll have to rewatch it.

Thanks for reading if you came this far. 🙏🏻🙏🏻