Most my life I have been hard working, responsible, and very goal oriented. Having said that, I feel stuck. I feel like I worked my butt off and did the "right thing", and while I am materially well off, I feel like as time goes on, I have a harder time relating to the world around me. As I get older, people "get more responsible", and expect the world out of you and it feels like they are settling for you (in the case of the opposite sex) and with friends, they have degenerated from when you met them.

This existential problem has felt like it developed from a death wish (taking more and more risks, as previously I had been risk averse) to more and more not caring about social norms and taking risks regardless of what people think. To some extent this is drugs to a limited extent (taking drugs on vacation or experimenting with life extension when back home), trying to speculate more in trading, trying to explore my sexuality more (more niche things) and letting go of any societal pressure on that (outside legality obviously), and just overall I am feeling like I want to filter less regardless of the result. I am not sure if this is "shadow possession" or what, but it seems like as I explored my unconscious, it has taken a weird turn. The positive is that I think I have been finding ways to deal with anger by exercising and I think with some work that can be worked through easily, but the hedonism has been a bit odd lately.