Something l have been working on recently is noticing that my psyche loves the drama that it plays out for itself.

I am a very emotional person, especially over the past couple of years, I have cried almost every day, felt compulsively suicidal and just generally overwhelmed by my emotions. I react to small things, I hold on to circumstances and people for too long. I’ve had real reason to feel such big emotions but it’s also gotten to a point of excess.

To be told that I am dramatic feels like a dismissal of my experience and humanity. It is a painful undercutting, when these feelings feel very real to me. Though I am realising now that both can be true. There is a part of my shadow that loves the drama of it all. I have gained something out of being this way.

My suicide attempt as a teenager changed the dynamic of my parents towards me completely. Though still dysfunctional, I received attention and care that l never had previously. Certain needs of mine became fulfilled as a result of this decision, and it set a precedent for my later relationships.

I now experience and express catastrophic emotions in response to relatively small things. l found that within my family the only way to be heard was to display extreme reactions, and this pattern has continued a decade later. I still don’t know whether l really did want to die that day or whether it was a cry for help but it did change everything.

I think it is important to accept that I can be dramatic. I had been seeking validation for all of my emotions and the thought of being dramatic felt shameful. I want to find a way to nurture and acknowledge all of the emotions l feel whilst simultaneously recognising that there is probably a part of me that enjoys blowing things out of proportion. I want to learn how to play out the drama in a healthier way. Surely this energy can be expressed somewhere else.